Wake me from this bad dream

I woke up crying this morning from an awful dream. Have you ever cried so hard in your sleep that you woke up still crying? In my dream, I was at a baby shower for an old friend I haven't spoken to in years. I wasn't doing well emotionally, and no one could understand why I was so distant. They told me to lighten up and have fun. Then they got mean and wouldn't let up. I finally confronted one stranger and asked her why she was saying those things, and she said because they were true. I then asked her if she ever suffered from infertility, and she said no, and proceeded to say how awful she felt, and how she understood better. And while it felt good to defend myself in my dream, I still felt empty inside because we still suffer from this bad dream of unexplained infertility.

All of this was brought on by finding out an hour earlier that this cycle was again, another bust for us. I felt like a fool for allowing myself to have hoped so much. Without going into details (that probably don't interest you anyways) all last week signs pointed to it having worked. I dared to dream again, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Days like today are when IF can hurt the most- it's almost like a loss that I have to grieve before I can move on. And today will only be tougher because we get to meet Andrea who is our newborn niece. Now, don't think for a moment that I don't love her already. But there is something gut-wrenching about holding a newborn baby while your own cycle is crashing within. Days like today, IF hurts the most.

I am fortunate enough to be a member to an infertility chat board. This place is an amazing source of strength to me. Here everyone is supportive, dreams with you, celebrates the little victories. No one is cruel or says things like "you're just trying too hard". I logged on to talk about my bad dream, and how this cycle was a bust, when I came across a post that reduced me to even more tears. I wanted to share it with you - my dearest friends and family - because I could really relate to it:

I see posts all the time about women feeling crazy for thinking that this was their month. They had symptoms of pregnancy, different than their usual monthly routine, their timing was perfect...all of it. Then their period comes and they start to doubt their sanity.

These women (we) are on emotional roller coasters during the dreaded two week wait. Every temperature dip, spot, cramp, twinge, pain and nap has a deeper meaning all of the sudden. Sometimes the woman is lucky enough find out she is pregnant, but many times, though the signs point to "YES", Aunt Flo has already made her plans to come and stay for a while.
I read all the time posts where the women are saying "I feel so silly" or "Why did I allow myself to hope?" But still waters run deep for many of us.

Many of us spent our childhoods as little mothers. I, for one, took very good care of my bears, dolls and monkeys. I read them stories, tucked them in, fed them, bathed them (sorry about the fur in the bathtub mom) and rocked them to sleep while singing sweet lullabies. I placed them in their seats in the car and made sure they were buckled in right beside me. I taught my floppy children to read, to color and to be good boys and girls. I kissed their wounds before bandaging up their little arms and legs. I was a mother before I knew what being a mother meant.

Time passed and the stuffed animals were packed away. You grow up a little but you still think about what kind of parent you'll be when you really grow up. When your mom grounds you for being 15 minutes late or for not living up to your full potential (I think we ALL got that one once or twice, no?) you swore "I will NEVER do that to my kids, I'll be a cool mom." You don't really think about being a parent at this point, but in the back of your mind, it's something you always know Eventually...Somentually...Some day

One day you meet the partner of your dreams. You fall in love, maybe get married and a little thought pops into your head - "Hey, I could be a parent with this person!"

You get your hopes up every month because before your little one is even conceived you are in love with them. In love with their little fingers and toes, in love with their drool filled smile, in love with their snuggly noises they will make when they sleep. You're in love with what they can be, what you can teach them, what part of you they will have, what part of your partner they will resemble.

You can already picture them taking those first few steps, their first birthday party, riding their first bike without training wheels and hopping on that big yellow bus for the first time with their little hand waving from the big window inside.

Before they are even conceived you look forward to macaroni necklaces, finger-painted handprints on construction paper and mother's day gifts made truly from the heart. You see their big brown/blue/green/hazel eyes filled with hope, love and laughter. You can almost hear their giggle and feel the warmth of their little body as they snuggle up on your lap to read a book.Your love for them already runs so deep that you've thought about what they will be when they grow up.

You chose a name that will ensure them success in their lives. You are careful to take care of your body in order for your body to take care of theirs. You're excited because you have the potential to be a mom and within 2 weeks or days or minutes you could know just how quickly that dream could be a reality. You have been training, thinking and dreaming about this day since you can remember.