(un)founded fear

They say that the first trimester is the one filled with angst and worry - with not feeling well and placing all your trust in something bigger than yourself that everything will be okay. For me, the 1st trimester wasn't so bad - aside from wondering if I'd miscarry again. I think I held my breath at every ultrasound (and still do) that there'd be that flickering heart showing that life was still existent. And I felt fine physically other than moody.

The second trimester was really the best - physically and emotionally. No complaints and enough comfort to trust that things were going well.

But the third trimester... well, I'm finding that this is almost as bad, if not worse than the first trimester. And it isn't the physical aspect (though that does hurt, but I've blogged enough about that for now). It's the emotional aspect that is getting to me. I think that because of the two years of infertility and especially the missed miscarriage of our twins, it's had a weird affect on me. There is a big part of me that still can't believe we're going to get a baby out of this. It's like there is a part of me that waits for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I'm in denial of sorts. Maybe I just can't accept that the happiness we've strived for so long is right around the bend, and our dream is about to become true. But I find myself racked with worry a lot of the time.

I'm worried that something is going to happen to this child before it's even born, and just like the miscarriage, I'll have no idea. Unfortunately stillborn babies are a sad fact of life. And what if the cord is stuck around my baby's neck and we don't know it? What is normal to feel and what isn't? What if I am missing a sign? When I expressed my fears to my OB at a recent appointment, she said that fetal movement is the best assessment of the baby's health. That an active baby is a healthy baby. That Peanut should be as active as ever, and yes, even with my placenta in the front.

Great..... so now I've found my new obsession. How active is Peanut? I'm asked at each appointment if the baby is active. And I say "yes". Well, at last week's appointment I was asked if movement has slowed down at all - to which I was honest and said "yes". Because it has slowed down. I thought this was normal from everything I've read and heard. That baby runs out room and is cramped in the end, and thus isn't as active. Plus, the hard punches and kicks have become more tai chi like - rolls and pushes across my body. But even so, it's not as frequent as it once was. My OB said I should be feeling Peanut ten times an hour?? That seems excessive to me. But hey, she is the one with the medical degree.

When I woke up on Sunday morning at 6:30 AM, I realized I hadn't felt any movement since 9PM the night before. So I drank a glass of cold orange juice and laid back down on my left side and waited. And waited. No movement. 90 minutes later I start freaking out convinced that something has gone wrong. I got up and went downstairs about to start digging around on the Internet when finally Peanut moved. I felt like I'd been holding my breath the whole 90+ minutes.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to last another 5 weeks of this agony. I'm torn between my gut which says Peanut is just not as active and has run out of room, or listening to my doctor who says that Peanut should be really just as active. Damn my past history for making me worry and not allowing me to relax! Ignorance really is bliss I guess.

So I finally decided to spend the money to rent a doppler machine for this last month. This will allow me to check for the baby's heartbeat just like they do at the doctor's. I figure the money will be worth the peace of mind. I just wish that I was in a place mentally where this was all unnecessary. I guess I won't fully relax until I'm holding Peanut safely in my arms.

Completed Nursery Pics

Thought I'd post some pictures of the nursery now that everything is in there and assembled. We love being in the room (as does Zoe who thinks this was all done for her enjoyment)!

It's a lazy weekend for the most part for us. Made a nice breakfast this morning (we opted to skip a week of traditional Sat morning breakfast out) and are cleaning up around the house a bit. Dave is still under the weather and I'm still tortoise slow in moving about.

I'm really starting to feel the nesting kick in, but in odd ways. Like, going through all the manuals & user guides we have - arranging them / throwing out old ones / reading all the baby ones. I found it really necessary to straighten the hall closet this morning for some reason. Yet I just can't make myself assemble the "hospital bag" - maybe I'm still in denial that this is REALLY going to happen. Fortunately we do have a small "hospital pile" of some things to take. Something tells me that as eager as I am for this child to come early (like it's mama is always early), it will take after dad and be Sprague late.

Next on the "to do" list - switch winter clothes for spring / summer ones. This should be interesting since I have no idea what will fit my body these last 5 weeks and post-partum!

Checking In

Just a little post to say we're still around. I'm finally rested from 2 active weekends of baby showers and celebrating Dave's birthday. We have everything all set up - it looks so odd to see a high chair in our dining room, or a pack & play in our living room! We did a ton of baby laundry and it almost doesn't fit. Current counts are:

• 44 various onsies size 0-3 months
• 23 sleepers size 0-3 months
• 21 bibs
• 27 receiving blankets
• various socks, hats and gender neutral outfits

I think it's safe to say we're set on 0-3 clothes! I am trying to not have a lot of size newborn items because they are typically 5-8 lbs, which at the rate Peanut is growing, may not fit at all!

Unfortunately Dave has been sick for almost a week now and isn't feeling much better. He's been sleeping on the couch as to not get me sick - poor guy. I know it's bad when he misses work like he has.

I'm starting to put things together for the hospital bag, and we're checking a few items off the "to do" list prior to Peanut's arrival. And we've been enjoying this awesome weather. That's really about it - I won't get into how miserable I am since I have 5 or 6 weeks left and know it's only going to get worse. I have a whole new appreciation for women in general, and women who go through a pregnancy with multiples!

Happy Birthday Dave!

It's late in posting, but we just got home not too long ago from birthday dinner (and I can no longer blog at work - darn firewall!). But today is Dave's 39th birthday! I like to remind him that it's his last one in his 30s - snort snort!

Here's a picture of his gift this year; I surprised him with a bike he's wanted for a while.

Happy birthday honey! Love you!!

Not so little Peanut

The name "Peanut" kind of implies this cute little baby - emphasis on little. I'm not sure that is going to apply much longer! Last week at the doctors I was still measuring 3 weeks ahead (measuring 35 weeks and not 32) so an ultrasound was ordered to check things out.

Now, being 3 weeks ahead doesn't necessarily mean I'll deliver 3 weeks earlier. It just means the baby is larger than where s/he should be.

Results from the ultrasound include:

• Peanut's head and belly circumference are both 31cm. That's over 12 inches. (I now find myself trying to find things that are 12 inches in diameter. I keep doing this b/c I can't believe how large 12 inches in diameter is! Ignorance is really bliss in this category!)
  
• Peanut has hair - visible on the ultrasound. (That was freaky cool). So much for heartburn = hair, since I don't really have heartburn!
  
• Peanut is estimated to weigh 5.5lbs which places him or her in the 76% percentile (our little over-achiever)
  
• Peanut is head down and lowwww (I knew s/he dropped further onto my bladder!)

The picture is self explanatory and was an equal mixture of cool and disbelief. Say hello to Peanut's face...

Additional Comments

This pictures illustrates how low Peanut is already as well as how I look more like 35 weeks than 32!

I wanted to show this picture of the cool Stork Angie made from her gifts, but instead I find myself laughing at Angie's expression!

Some of the most beautiful gifts I received -hand made sweaters from my friends Anna & Michelle. (I hope one day to be this good!)

Proof that my "Internet friends" exist - what a fun bunch of ladies!

Another word for THANK YOU?!?!

I don't think there are words in the thesaurus that could convey the depth of gratitude I feel after today's baby shower! "Thank you" just seems inadequate! Wow is all I can say - I am so overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends and family. Peanut is sure one loved baby!

And while we didn't play any baby games, my generous shower hostesses (my Mom, Dave's step-mom, my soon to be sister-in-law and her mom, and friends Angie, Heather and Jen) arranged for a guessing game about Peanut which I thought was fun. The answers (to guess the gender, date and weight) were even funnier!

Highlights include:

• 25 guesses of girl and 7 guesses of boy (does someone know something we don't???)

• Earliest guess is May 11th (by my godmother)

• Latest guess is June 15th (by my great Aunt - please Lord do not let that happen!!)

• No one guessed over 10lbs (whew - now if only.... Did I mention I'm still measuring 3 weeks ahead, which means there is one big baby in there! No wonder I look 35 weeks when I'm only 32!)

Once we managed to bring everything into the house we began the task of putting things away. We had a ton of laundry to do! We've assembled more than half of the items though and the nursery really looks amazing now! I think we'll call it quits after the toy-chest tonight. My back is really sore and my feet are pretty swollen; I think just the excitement of the day is keeping me going! Poor Dave is exhausted from carrying everything around (the usual occurrence at showers for anyone who can recall my bridal shower!).

But honestly, we are so grateful and blessed with generosity and love from those around us! It is just amazing. Today was surely a day we won't ever forget (and we have a ton of pictures and personalized books and wonderful memories to go along with it all!). Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start my thank you notes (I have my early response reputation to uphold!)

Past & Present

Today is a bittersweet mixture of emotions. While it marks 32 weeks / 8 months of pregnancy this year, it also marks 1 full year to the day since we lost our twins.

I am sure that most people have forgotten about them, especially in light of the current pregnancy. But as anyone who has suffered a miscarriage knows, one pregnancy doesn't replace the other. I've never met any of these miracles, yet they are part of our hearts. It just wouldn't feel right to not mention them today of all days.

Incridible Shrinking Organs

31 weeks today and miserable. I feel guilty feeling that way, considering all we've gone through to get to this point. But holy crap am I uncomfortable!! I can' t get comfortable to sleep, and my sleep is disrupted by getting up to pee every 90 minutes. And it hurts to get up from laying down (or even from a sitting position). I also have no room to digest anything I eat, which leads to massive uncomfortableness!

The 2 pictures below are meant to show fetal development, but are great for showing how much your organs shrink!! (Pictures are from Pennhealth.com)

On a happier note, I am looking forward to my baby showers in the next few weeks! I just hope that I can make it until then!! What will 8-9 more weeks make me feel like? Gah!