(un)founded fear

They say that the first trimester is the one filled with angst and worry - with not feeling well and placing all your trust in something bigger than yourself that everything will be okay. For me, the 1st trimester wasn't so bad - aside from wondering if I'd miscarry again. I think I held my breath at every ultrasound (and still do) that there'd be that flickering heart showing that life was still existent. And I felt fine physically other than moody.

The second trimester was really the best - physically and emotionally. No complaints and enough comfort to trust that things were going well.

But the third trimester... well, I'm finding that this is almost as bad, if not worse than the first trimester. And it isn't the physical aspect (though that does hurt, but I've blogged enough about that for now). It's the emotional aspect that is getting to me. I think that because of the two years of infertility and especially the missed miscarriage of our twins, it's had a weird affect on me. There is a big part of me that still can't believe we're going to get a baby out of this. It's like there is a part of me that waits for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I'm in denial of sorts. Maybe I just can't accept that the happiness we've strived for so long is right around the bend, and our dream is about to become true. But I find myself racked with worry a lot of the time.

I'm worried that something is going to happen to this child before it's even born, and just like the miscarriage, I'll have no idea. Unfortunately stillborn babies are a sad fact of life. And what if the cord is stuck around my baby's neck and we don't know it? What is normal to feel and what isn't? What if I am missing a sign? When I expressed my fears to my OB at a recent appointment, she said that fetal movement is the best assessment of the baby's health. That an active baby is a healthy baby. That Peanut should be as active as ever, and yes, even with my placenta in the front.

Great..... so now I've found my new obsession. How active is Peanut? I'm asked at each appointment if the baby is active. And I say "yes". Well, at last week's appointment I was asked if movement has slowed down at all - to which I was honest and said "yes". Because it has slowed down. I thought this was normal from everything I've read and heard. That baby runs out room and is cramped in the end, and thus isn't as active. Plus, the hard punches and kicks have become more tai chi like - rolls and pushes across my body. But even so, it's not as frequent as it once was. My OB said I should be feeling Peanut ten times an hour?? That seems excessive to me. But hey, she is the one with the medical degree.

When I woke up on Sunday morning at 6:30 AM, I realized I hadn't felt any movement since 9PM the night before. So I drank a glass of cold orange juice and laid back down on my left side and waited. And waited. No movement. 90 minutes later I start freaking out convinced that something has gone wrong. I got up and went downstairs about to start digging around on the Internet when finally Peanut moved. I felt like I'd been holding my breath the whole 90+ minutes.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to last another 5 weeks of this agony. I'm torn between my gut which says Peanut is just not as active and has run out of room, or listening to my doctor who says that Peanut should be really just as active. Damn my past history for making me worry and not allowing me to relax! Ignorance really is bliss I guess.

So I finally decided to spend the money to rent a doppler machine for this last month. This will allow me to check for the baby's heartbeat just like they do at the doctor's. I figure the money will be worth the peace of mind. I just wish that I was in a place mentally where this was all unnecessary. I guess I won't fully relax until I'm holding Peanut safely in my arms.