Saying "goodbye" before we could say "hello"

We've been really quiet for a few reasons- it's been quite an emotional ride. In mid January, we began the process of our first IVF attempt. We were nervous and excited - the shots, the daily medical appointments, the stress, the anticipation. We didn't want to say anything to everyone for fear that it wouldn't work out. It was such a hard road, so we decided to only tell our immediate family and a few very close friends whose support was invaluable.

The results of the IVF were fairly good for our first try - On Feb 20th, we had 15 eggs and 7 fertilized. One of those 7 fertilized abnormally, and then arrested. Two of the 7 embryos were implanted into me on February 23rd. The other 4 embryos were kept culturing for cryopreservation. Two of the four survived and two arrested.

On March 4th, I took a home pregnancy test and was delighted to discover we were pregnant. It had worked! That was such a wonderful moment, sharing the results with Dave and then together with our families. A blood test the next day confirmed that we were pregnant, and the high beta number seemed to indicate a potential for multiple viable embryos. One March 19th, we had our first ultrasound and saw two well defined sacs with all that should have been - twins! It was too early to detect a heart beat - I wasn't even 6 weeks pregnant, but our doctors were happy with what they saw and said to return in 3 weeks to see the heartbeats.

Keeping the news a secret was hard. We wanted to shout from the rooftops that our long journey to become parents had ended - 18+ months of trying was over, and the hardest part was behind us. We started to dream - thinking of names, counting down the months that lay ahead - we'd find out the genders in June, and the babies would most likely be born in October. We began telling extended family - aunts, uncles, first cousins. I had to tell work because I was already starting to show just a little bit and didn't want my boss to hear speculation from anyone, but rather the truth from me.

Like any pregnancy, I felt all kinds of things - excitement, nervousness (how can you not with 2??), hopeful. I was a little overwhelmed from all the reading I was doing, but I wanted to be informed. And the physical symptoms began to manifest around 5 weeks- the nausea, the breast tenderness, the sleeplessness. Constipation, skin changes, and food aversions/ cravings were just part of my new world. Even gaining the 30 pounds since the beginning of our journey, and the weight I was sure to put on, it was all going to be worth it.

Kindness out poured from family and friends - we received so many cards and baby clothes and blankets and stuffed animals and gift cards to use. Everyone was so excited. We purchased nursery furniture when we saw a deal we just couldn't pass by. All our dreams were on their way to becoming true.

Yesterday we went in for our routine ultrasound - we were going to see our babies heartbeats. But from the look on the technician's face, I could sense that something was wrong. And then she confirmed my fear- she wasn't able to detect the heartbeats. She showed me both babies heads and bodies - they'd grown so much in the past 3 weeks. But there was no flutter in the chest. They cannot say when or why this happened, but I know that the heartbeat began at some point because so much growth had taken place; the death had to be recent.

What happened afterwards is still somewhat of a blur. I guess your mind tries to blur things to protect you. I know the doctor spoke to us and expressed condolences. She said that they could offer no reason why this occurred because things were progressing so well. She encouraged us to try again in the future when we were ready. And she discussed options to physically remove the fetuses from my body. On Friday morning, I'll undergo a D&C. We've opted to not subject our twins to medical testing - it won't change the outcome, and it would offer no insight for future attempts for IVF or frozen transfers of our 2 embryos that remain, should we chose to try again.

Right now we're just numb. How quickly life changes, how cruel when dreams are crushed. Dave and I just sit in silence and don't know quite what to say to one another. What can you say, really? We both wish things would have turned out differently, and we both know that we love one another. Beyond that, we're just getting through each hour as best we know how. I didn't sleep well last night and around 3 am got up and went downstairs for a few hours. I find that I can only breakdown when I'm alone. One moment I feel almost "normal", what ever that means now, and another moment I feel the emotional weight of the situation won't let me breathe.

It's easier for me to email than to speak on the phone. It seems that having to verbalize that "I had a miscarriage" is enough to make me start sobbing. Just ask the nurse at the hospital when I called to cancel my next ultrasound and she wanted to know "why". I'm betting she may not ask "why" to any cancellations the rest of this week.

I don't know what the future holds for us. We really thought the hardest part was behind us with the unexplained infertility and the IVF. I don't quite know how to deal with the feelings I have inside - the guilt, the shame, the hopelessness, the wondering "why did this happen to us?". I do know that after Friday, I'll begin to go through post-partum symptoms as my body clears itself of the hormones, and I'm not looking forward to that. I know that come October, I'll probably feel sad and wonder "what if". I wonder where our two little angels are now, and if they knew they were loved and wanted more than anything.

We're really grateful for the outpouring of support we've received in the past 24 hours, and ask that you keep all 4 of us in your prayers.