"Joys" of Pregnancy

Last week I was in Dallas for work, which was only a few degrees warmer than here. Brrr! It's always good to be home though. This past week I began discovering some of the aches & pains of pregnancy. Sitting on a flight for a few hours will make one's butt fall asleep. And when you're stuck in your seat and can't move about, it doesn't help. But it seems to be when I'm in any seat for more than 30 minutes it feels uncomfortable. My lower back is starting to ache a little, and my hips are out of alignment (women secrete a hormone called relaxin during pregnancy, which does as is sounds like - relaxes your joints to acomidate for the baby. Progesterone does the same thing, and who knows how many other hormones are altering my body right now). Well, mis-aligned hips --> sciatic nerve pain when I go up stairs or lift my left leg.

At least I got to experience one of the better joys of pregnancy this week - feeling the baby kick! I am somewhat late to the game in feeling this due to the placenta being anterior, or in the front. It is between the baby and myself, which means while the baby has been beating up on me for some time, I've not been able to feel it since the placenta acts as a big rubbery cushion. Now that baby's kicks and punches are getting stronger, I can feel them. It still isn't with any frequency, and I have to be still to feel it, but it is very cool!

And in typical Beth over-prepared fashion, I've been reading up on all sorts of things - cosleeping, breastfeeding, doulas, and post-partum depression. I figure that knowing as much as I can can't hurt - the problem will be of course if I remember it. And these days with the pregnancy amnesia... anyway.... I came across and article this weekend that states that women who undergo IVF are more than twice as likely to experience PPD than other women. Basically, it states that infertility that precedes IVF undermines a woman's confidence in herself and her body, as well as her mental state. (So true) And ultimately that when women give birth, they feel that they are so grateful to just HAVE a baby, that they have no right to complain about anything and that they just somehow need to cope better (so not true!).

I have to admit that PPD scares me. This pregnancy has been rough on me emotionally with constant worrying in the first few months that we'd lose this baby too. And then, I just don't know how to describe it - I just don't feel like myself. I feel like I'm still somewhere in my body, but that I'm not in emotional control. I've tried to explain it to Dave, because he is most often (unfortunately) on the receiving end of my swinging back and forth emotionally. I just don't feel like myself. He's graciously said that he thought it would be worse.... I don't know if that should make me feel better, or scared that I could really be awful!

But PPD is a very real thing, and it's not like I know how to be a good parent. I'm scared of the sleepless nights and having a baby constantly attached to my breast. I already feel like I'm "touched out" and feel very protective of my space; my normally touchy huggy self has been replaced with just not wanting to be touched as usual. What happens when I have a tiny baby latched onto me non-stop? I'm worried that I won't be able to do it all like I used to be. Even now I struggle with my pregnancy-imposed limitations - this independent soul hates asking for help and not being 100% self-sufficient.

So as I've said, I've been trying to educate myself as much as I can now, to set up my safety net. A great article on how to help anyone limit PPD can be found here - thanks to the wonderful Ask Moxie blog for having this available for everyone. If you want to help me down the line, please take a moment to read the tips, because who knows if I'll ever learn to ask for help!

Now I best be going - my butt is starting to fall asleep!