(un)founded fear

They say that the first trimester is the one filled with angst and worry - with not feeling well and placing all your trust in something bigger than yourself that everything will be okay. For me, the 1st trimester wasn't so bad - aside from wondering if I'd miscarry again. I think I held my breath at every ultrasound (and still do) that there'd be that flickering heart showing that life was still existent. And I felt fine physically other than moody.

The second trimester was really the best - physically and emotionally. No complaints and enough comfort to trust that things were going well.

But the third trimester... well, I'm finding that this is almost as bad, if not worse than the first trimester. And it isn't the physical aspect (though that does hurt, but I've blogged enough about that for now). It's the emotional aspect that is getting to me. I think that because of the two years of infertility and especially the missed miscarriage of our twins, it's had a weird affect on me. There is a big part of me that still can't believe we're going to get a baby out of this. It's like there is a part of me that waits for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I'm in denial of sorts. Maybe I just can't accept that the happiness we've strived for so long is right around the bend, and our dream is about to become true. But I find myself racked with worry a lot of the time.

I'm worried that something is going to happen to this child before it's even born, and just like the miscarriage, I'll have no idea. Unfortunately stillborn babies are a sad fact of life. And what if the cord is stuck around my baby's neck and we don't know it? What is normal to feel and what isn't? What if I am missing a sign? When I expressed my fears to my OB at a recent appointment, she said that fetal movement is the best assessment of the baby's health. That an active baby is a healthy baby. That Peanut should be as active as ever, and yes, even with my placenta in the front.

Great..... so now I've found my new obsession. How active is Peanut? I'm asked at each appointment if the baby is active. And I say "yes". Well, at last week's appointment I was asked if movement has slowed down at all - to which I was honest and said "yes". Because it has slowed down. I thought this was normal from everything I've read and heard. That baby runs out room and is cramped in the end, and thus isn't as active. Plus, the hard punches and kicks have become more tai chi like - rolls and pushes across my body. But even so, it's not as frequent as it once was. My OB said I should be feeling Peanut ten times an hour?? That seems excessive to me. But hey, she is the one with the medical degree.

When I woke up on Sunday morning at 6:30 AM, I realized I hadn't felt any movement since 9PM the night before. So I drank a glass of cold orange juice and laid back down on my left side and waited. And waited. No movement. 90 minutes later I start freaking out convinced that something has gone wrong. I got up and went downstairs about to start digging around on the Internet when finally Peanut moved. I felt like I'd been holding my breath the whole 90+ minutes.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to last another 5 weeks of this agony. I'm torn between my gut which says Peanut is just not as active and has run out of room, or listening to my doctor who says that Peanut should be really just as active. Damn my past history for making me worry and not allowing me to relax! Ignorance really is bliss I guess.

So I finally decided to spend the money to rent a doppler machine for this last month. This will allow me to check for the baby's heartbeat just like they do at the doctor's. I figure the money will be worth the peace of mind. I just wish that I was in a place mentally where this was all unnecessary. I guess I won't fully relax until I'm holding Peanut safely in my arms.

Completed Nursery Pics

Thought I'd post some pictures of the nursery now that everything is in there and assembled. We love being in the room (as does Zoe who thinks this was all done for her enjoyment)!

It's a lazy weekend for the most part for us. Made a nice breakfast this morning (we opted to skip a week of traditional Sat morning breakfast out) and are cleaning up around the house a bit. Dave is still under the weather and I'm still tortoise slow in moving about.

I'm really starting to feel the nesting kick in, but in odd ways. Like, going through all the manuals & user guides we have - arranging them / throwing out old ones / reading all the baby ones. I found it really necessary to straighten the hall closet this morning for some reason. Yet I just can't make myself assemble the "hospital bag" - maybe I'm still in denial that this is REALLY going to happen. Fortunately we do have a small "hospital pile" of some things to take. Something tells me that as eager as I am for this child to come early (like it's mama is always early), it will take after dad and be Sprague late.

Next on the "to do" list - switch winter clothes for spring / summer ones. This should be interesting since I have no idea what will fit my body these last 5 weeks and post-partum!

Checking In

Just a little post to say we're still around. I'm finally rested from 2 active weekends of baby showers and celebrating Dave's birthday. We have everything all set up - it looks so odd to see a high chair in our dining room, or a pack & play in our living room! We did a ton of baby laundry and it almost doesn't fit. Current counts are:

• 44 various onsies size 0-3 months
• 23 sleepers size 0-3 months
• 21 bibs
• 27 receiving blankets
• various socks, hats and gender neutral outfits

I think it's safe to say we're set on 0-3 clothes! I am trying to not have a lot of size newborn items because they are typically 5-8 lbs, which at the rate Peanut is growing, may not fit at all!

Unfortunately Dave has been sick for almost a week now and isn't feeling much better. He's been sleeping on the couch as to not get me sick - poor guy. I know it's bad when he misses work like he has.

I'm starting to put things together for the hospital bag, and we're checking a few items off the "to do" list prior to Peanut's arrival. And we've been enjoying this awesome weather. That's really about it - I won't get into how miserable I am since I have 5 or 6 weeks left and know it's only going to get worse. I have a whole new appreciation for women in general, and women who go through a pregnancy with multiples!

Happy Birthday Dave!

It's late in posting, but we just got home not too long ago from birthday dinner (and I can no longer blog at work - darn firewall!). But today is Dave's 39th birthday! I like to remind him that it's his last one in his 30s - snort snort!

Here's a picture of his gift this year; I surprised him with a bike he's wanted for a while.

Happy birthday honey! Love you!!

Not so little Peanut

The name "Peanut" kind of implies this cute little baby - emphasis on little. I'm not sure that is going to apply much longer! Last week at the doctors I was still measuring 3 weeks ahead (measuring 35 weeks and not 32) so an ultrasound was ordered to check things out.

Now, being 3 weeks ahead doesn't necessarily mean I'll deliver 3 weeks earlier. It just means the baby is larger than where s/he should be.

Results from the ultrasound include:

• Peanut's head and belly circumference are both 31cm. That's over 12 inches. (I now find myself trying to find things that are 12 inches in diameter. I keep doing this b/c I can't believe how large 12 inches in diameter is! Ignorance is really bliss in this category!)
  
• Peanut has hair - visible on the ultrasound. (That was freaky cool). So much for heartburn = hair, since I don't really have heartburn!
  
• Peanut is estimated to weigh 5.5lbs which places him or her in the 76% percentile (our little over-achiever)
  
• Peanut is head down and lowwww (I knew s/he dropped further onto my bladder!)

The picture is self explanatory and was an equal mixture of cool and disbelief. Say hello to Peanut's face...

Additional Comments

This pictures illustrates how low Peanut is already as well as how I look more like 35 weeks than 32!

I wanted to show this picture of the cool Stork Angie made from her gifts, but instead I find myself laughing at Angie's expression!

Some of the most beautiful gifts I received -hand made sweaters from my friends Anna & Michelle. (I hope one day to be this good!)

Proof that my "Internet friends" exist - what a fun bunch of ladies!

Another word for THANK YOU?!?!

I don't think there are words in the thesaurus that could convey the depth of gratitude I feel after today's baby shower! "Thank you" just seems inadequate! Wow is all I can say - I am so overwhelmed by the generosity of our friends and family. Peanut is sure one loved baby!

And while we didn't play any baby games, my generous shower hostesses (my Mom, Dave's step-mom, my soon to be sister-in-law and her mom, and friends Angie, Heather and Jen) arranged for a guessing game about Peanut which I thought was fun. The answers (to guess the gender, date and weight) were even funnier!

Highlights include:

• 25 guesses of girl and 7 guesses of boy (does someone know something we don't???)

• Earliest guess is May 11th (by my godmother)

• Latest guess is June 15th (by my great Aunt - please Lord do not let that happen!!)

• No one guessed over 10lbs (whew - now if only.... Did I mention I'm still measuring 3 weeks ahead, which means there is one big baby in there! No wonder I look 35 weeks when I'm only 32!)

Once we managed to bring everything into the house we began the task of putting things away. We had a ton of laundry to do! We've assembled more than half of the items though and the nursery really looks amazing now! I think we'll call it quits after the toy-chest tonight. My back is really sore and my feet are pretty swollen; I think just the excitement of the day is keeping me going! Poor Dave is exhausted from carrying everything around (the usual occurrence at showers for anyone who can recall my bridal shower!).

But honestly, we are so grateful and blessed with generosity and love from those around us! It is just amazing. Today was surely a day we won't ever forget (and we have a ton of pictures and personalized books and wonderful memories to go along with it all!). Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start my thank you notes (I have my early response reputation to uphold!)

Past & Present

Today is a bittersweet mixture of emotions. While it marks 32 weeks / 8 months of pregnancy this year, it also marks 1 full year to the day since we lost our twins.

I am sure that most people have forgotten about them, especially in light of the current pregnancy. But as anyone who has suffered a miscarriage knows, one pregnancy doesn't replace the other. I've never met any of these miracles, yet they are part of our hearts. It just wouldn't feel right to not mention them today of all days.

Incridible Shrinking Organs

31 weeks today and miserable. I feel guilty feeling that way, considering all we've gone through to get to this point. But holy crap am I uncomfortable!! I can' t get comfortable to sleep, and my sleep is disrupted by getting up to pee every 90 minutes. And it hurts to get up from laying down (or even from a sitting position). I also have no room to digest anything I eat, which leads to massive uncomfortableness!

The 2 pictures below are meant to show fetal development, but are great for showing how much your organs shrink!! (Pictures are from Pennhealth.com)

On a happier note, I am looking forward to my baby showers in the next few weeks! I just hope that I can make it until then!! What will 8-9 more weeks make me feel like? Gah!

updated photos

Wednesday marked 30 weeks; I feel like I'm entering the final stretch and it is amazingly scary and exciting to think in about 10 weeks Peanut will be here!

In response to some questions I get asked multiple times a day:

• I'm feeling tired (no, I'm not sleeping well)


• I'm feeling big


• no, I'm not carrying twins (gee, thanks)


• yes, I do REALLY have 10 weeks left; I'm sorry if I look like I'm "ready to pop" ahead of schedule


• yes, that is indeed "one big baby" in there

Notice the trend?? I'd like to state for the record that I've under-gained weight; the 20 lbs just happens to pretty much be all in my stomach area. Cut me a break - I'm pregnant. It happens! Though it is nice to have my boobs not be the biggest thing on my body anymore - ha ha ha. The shirt I am wearing below isn't even a maternity shirt...

Oh, and I just had to show the cool cake my mother in law made me for my Easter birthday. It may look like a sunflower, but the "petals" are sugar peeps! mmmm, peeps!!!

Happy spring, Easter, & 34th bday!

I just got back from my birthday "extravaganzapalooza" afternoon / evening. Dave had planned a special day to celebrate my birthday tomorrow. I only had been told to be ready at 3:00 and to get dressed up. As I was getting ready, Dave had my present ready for me. A pair of beautiful diamond earrings was in a lovely wrapped box with a sentimentally sweet card.

We then headed to Phipps Conservatory for their spring flower show. Neither of us had been there for years. It was so beautiful to see so many flowers in such creative ways - and the smell... heaven!!

Next we went to the Gandy Dancer at Station Square for drinks (for Dave) and a small appetizer since I was hungry. We had a little time to kill before our dinner reservations at the secret restaurant.

When the time came, we pulled up to Isabella's along Mt. Washington!!!!!

I'd always heard of how romantic and wonderful the food was here, and we were not disappointed in the least. We had a corner table along the windows overlooking the point and the entire city. As amazing as view was, the 7 course meal was even more amazing! Our courses were:

1. Blue crab & avocado salad with cilantro


2. Caramelized leek and cauliflower soup, crispy Gruyere cheese (for me - probably my favorite course) and Ancho Chile-Cherry braised duck leg, ricotta cheese polenta (for Dave)


3. Halibut fillet, sweet potato gnocchi, crème fraiche (for Dave) and red curried corn crusted sea scallops, sweet mango juice, cilantro-yogurt foam (for me)


4. An intermezzo of pineapple lime sorbet


5. Cabernet braised Kobe skirt steak, Porcini mushroom, poached garlic risotto (for me) and venison leg steak, blood orange jam and potato-parsnip puree (for Dave)


6. A salad of baby greens, dried apple, goat cheese & vanilla-cardamom vinaigrette


7. Blue cheese cheese cake, dried pears and port wine reduction (for Dave which he adored) and house made chocolate truffles (for me which was excellent and I could've had 4 orders!)

And I had a glass of wine as well, which tasted so wonderful. We shared our meals with the exception of the cheese cake, which I wanted no part of. I can't remember when I had such a good meal. And Michelle, I thought of you every single course!! (It started as soon as I saw they had a leek soup, but then every thing tasted so darned good that I knew you'd really appreciate it. You need to leave the Boss with me one evening and take your hubby for any occasion!)

We had an amazing day, and I'm heading to bed soon. Tomorrow we'll have a nice breakfast, head to church and then see Dave's family all day. Being 34 doesn't really feel any different than 33 (or any of my recent years to be honest) but I can say that I'm looking forward to the upcoming year and know it will be one of the best in my life! I hope you all have an Easter that is as blessed as I feel right now (and that just isn't the wine talking).

Shower RSVPs

Just a quick note- if you haven't called Angie already to RSVP for the shower on April 12th (not to be confused with the other shower on April 19th), please don't forget!

If you'd rather email your response, you can always email me for Angie's email address. Deadline is April 1st! And don't forget to include your meal choice.

She said YES!

My brother asked Kelly to marry him last night, and she said yes!! I am so excited I can't stand it! They are away in Vegas; I just may show up at their house on Friday to give them a huge hug when they get back!!! Pics to come I hope!

Early Celebrations

Hope you had a great weekend! I got to spend time knitting with my friends this Saturday, and today some of my family came over to celebrate Easter & my birthday early. (My niece and nephew are spending time with their biological dad next Sunday, so we opted to celebrate today.) After a yummy lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, we came back to our house to give the kids their Easter bags.

I got to open some gifts too! I got a "Mommy & Me tub time" themed gift from my mom - wonderfully soft bathrobe and slippers, towels, soaps, and a robe and wash clothes for Peanut. I got beautiful bookends that I've wanted and a tea kettle and a maternity outfit as well from my bother, Kel & and my "extended family". Best of all, we just had a blast.

Dave is snoring on the couch right now (rough weekend, right?) and I'm trying to motivate to go grocery shopping. Do I look any bigger at 7 months? Someone asked me at church today if I was having twins.... ugh, I guess I look big huh?

7 months = trip to L&D

Well, yesterday was 7 months pregnant and we had quite an evening to show for it. It started when I wasn't able to sleep well early Wednesday morning. I had a very weird pain right near my belly button from 3-4 AM. It was strong enough to wake me and then keep me from falling back asleep. I'd chalked it up to Braxton Hicks contractions (which are normal at this stage and a way for the uterus to prepare for delivery). It was in a new spot and felt a lot stronger and more painful. But who am I to question? When your uterus expands to 1000x its normal size (no exaggeration) you assume things like this will occur.

During the day I'd felt fine, but then in the afternoon around 4:00 I started to get that pain again. And it wasn't going away by 5:00. So I did what any person would do who didn't want to bother her OB after hours - I searched for info on Braxton Hicks on the internet newspaper (ha ha Anna - I had to work that in...) It said that you weren't supposed to have >4 an hour or for them to be painful, and I thought "uh-oh!". So Dave came home at 5:30 and it was still going on every 5 minutes or so. He convinced me to call the OB; after speaking with her, she did what I thought she'd do and said there'd be no way to know what was causing the pain unless I went to the hospital. Great...

But she did bring up something that I didn't think about (which is why it is always important to call your doctor) - my placenta is in the front and they wanted to make sure it was still in place and not tearing away. So it was with an equal mixture of fear and foolishness that we hopped in the car and went to UPMC Magee Women's Hospital. When Dave eventually got us there via Greenfield the long way (thanks to the Oakland detour and probably nerves), we were seen right away, which leads me to ask why all ERs don't work this smoothly.

They did all my vitals and hooked me up to a contraction monitor which I was familiar with thanks to my experience with Angie's delivery. I got a little scared when the bottom line started zig-sagging up and down since this shows if you are contracting. I think my exact words to Dave were "Dude - holy crap I am contracting!" Alas, it was just the monitor moving thank goodness. Agh, to be naive.

After blood work, and internal exam (ouch) and lots of questions, we were running out of explanations. The final step was an ultrasound to look at the placenta, muscle, and baby. So I got to experience my first ride in a wheel chair and away we went. We were seen right away and it is no understatement to say Peanut is HUGE! Our little over-achiever is in the 81st percentile for weight and measuring 3 weeks ahead of schedule. A whopping 3lbs 3ozs already!! (normal is around 2 lbs 4 ozs). I just looked at Dave (who weighted over 9lbs at birth) and gave him the "you're to blame for this, aren't you?" stare... never mind my chocolate ice-cream cravings.

The bottom line is that they couldn't find any reason for my pain. Peanut and I are both fine. The pain finally subsided around 9 PM - so a total of 5 hrs of on & off pain (mostly on). They said that I wasn't silly to have come in, as much as I felt like I wasted their time. I have instructions on what to do should the pain return (which is basically just to head straight there), but I'm hoping it doesn't. It hasn't been back since, and I slept like a rock.

At least we learned where to go when you're in real labor, got to test run the driving detour in a stressful emergency, and found out that the hospital pillows really suck. Oh, and that triage can be a very scary place when all the women around you are screaming and moaning. That was honestly an eye-opener for me. Heck, the couple that came up to the triage window when I was registering - the woman laid down on the floor and I think her eyes rolled back into her head. I kindly asked that she be seen before me - good heavens! As I told my sister-in-law today, a planned c-section would circumvent all this! And at the rate Peanut is growing, that may seriously be an option!

Aaaaaaagh - relaxation!

Last night I took the inaugural soak in the new bath tub. Wow - now I wonder what was I waiting for! It felt so good that I honestly felt like I was in a spa. It made for a great night cap before bed (the only kind we pregnant folk can really have these days) and even helped reduce the swelling in my feet.

A lot of people have asked what I'd like for my birthday (on Easter Sunday this year, but I don't mind sharing as long as I get some caramel eggs!). Well, truth be told, there isn't much I'd need, but that excuse doesn't seem to cut it for some people. So in random order are some things that would be neat to have (I've left off things like a new car, world peace, painless labor, etc):

• a new tea kettle or a gift certificate from Bed Bath & Beyond to go towards purchase
• Macy's gift card to go towards purchase of a new robe (I figure I'll need this in the hospital)
• Lowe's or Sear's or Home Depot gift card (we need a new grill, a sun umbrella, and a deck storage bin. Plus it is always just fun to shop at these places! Mmm - power tools!)
• Aveda gift card (my new obsession for body products)
• Vera Bradley tote bag like this in color "peacock" (for the hospital, and I'm sure will be used again & again)

10 days until Spring as well, and I'm ready!

New Bathroom Photos

The bathroom is 99% done. I say only 99% because we're missing a very important part.... for privacy at least. A door! Dave still has to apply the gel stripper to the door to get rid of the hideous blue paint; once it's down to the wood grain, we can stain it like the rest of the bathroom wood. I don't think the wall color shows up as well here - it's more green and called "Crocodile Tears"

Looking in from the hall

The corner tub for 2 (or one very pregnant woman)

The glass shelf was Molly's idea - and a good one!

The new vanity & medicine cabinet - the lights dim too!

If the shoe fits... oh wait, it doesn't!

Yesterday it was 34 degrees outside, and I wore a dress to work with flip flops.

No other shoe really fits!

Can you find my ankles in this shot? Oh, and this was taken in the morning BEFORE the big swelling sets in....

Nursery - check!

We had a really busy weekend, especially with me getting over the flu (and Dave looking like he is going to come down with it). Oh, and an emergency trip to the ER Wednesday night. Did I fail to mention that Dave accidentally sliced his thigh with a box cutter? Yeah. The cut was really bad and needed stitches. He's recovering okay and the stitches should come out next week.

The bathroom is 95% done, and I'll post some pictures in a few days when we're 100%. But Dave and Mike moved in the nursery furniture, and Dave put together the crib on Saturday.

Now that the room is just about done, we both find ourselves just standing in the room without reason, looking around. Doesn't it look awesome? Yeah, we think so too.

But we knew it was only a matter of time before this happened.....

This may mean trouble.

We also moved the computer and desk up into the "office" (our smallest bedroom) and redid the entry way. It's now a little reading nook (picture below). So upstairs, 3 of the 4 rooms are completely made over, and with the new carpet (which looks amazing) - it almost looks like a new house up there!

Today I had lunch with Angie and had some great girl time. We talked and laughed and saw the new movie "The Other Boleyn Girl" (since we both read the book). The movie was really good, very true to the book. And the acting was superb. I've always been a fan of Tudor history and that period. I guess you'd enjoy the movie even without knowing the history behind it all (heck, Eric Bana is pretty easy on the eyes, though supposedly Henry VIII wasn't that attractive, but whatever...) All in all it was a fantastic weekend, but back to the grind tomorrow. At least it's March now - spring and my birthday!

double digits!

I'm under 100 days! 98 to be exact!

Up 15 lbs total...

26 weeks (or 6 and 1/2 months) today!

And my ankles have disappeared due to swelling.