Kad's 2nd B-day

I'm terribly biased, but I have THE CUTEST niece in the world! Sunday was Kadence's 2nd birthday party and was a lot of fun. Too much good food and presents everywhere and cake and kid's laughter.... to be followed by a Steeler's game..... how could it not be a perfect day! (I am so stinking excited that football is back I can't stand it. I don't care that it's preseason.... football is back!!!)

Aside from feeling like crap from the BCPs, things are good. I just wish the weather would break from this muggy, humid soup, but on second thought, I am going to save all my wishes for IVF instead!

Here we go again....

We're ready to jump back into the icy waters of IVF. We had almost tried earlier this summer, but I just couldn't do it. I guess I wasn't ready, and physically the pills were making me sick. I guess it was a sign it wasn't time. But we're forging ahead; we only get 1 more shot at a fresh cycle from our insurance for the rest of our lives / as long we have the insurance. So we decided to do our attempt now before the insurance renews. That way we can drop the insurance (which is through my work and expensive) and save a few hundred each month. Not to worry - we still have health insurance through Dave's work.

Anyway - here we go again. I start my first birth control pill on Sunday. The first part of the IVF cycle is to shut off my ovaries and allow them to rest. This is accomplished by BCPs (birth control pills). I'll be taking them for about 3 weeks before I start shots to suppress my ovaries even more. Unfortunately, the BCPs always make me sick - they give me a daily migraine, cause extreme moodiness, and just make me feel like I'm not myself. Honestly, it is the worst part of the IVF process for me (aside from the waiting to find out if I'm pregnant).

To be very honest, I am so sacred. I am scared because I've not been taking care of my body like I was when we first underwent the IVF. I gave up caffeine and alcohol and that isn't the case now. I was doing acupuncture weekly, and now we just can't afford it. I was in a much better state of mind as I was meditating twice a day, and that has fallen way off my to do list. And I think those positive steps really made a difference. It isn't like I can't do those things now, but I feel like I was doing them in advance last time, and now I'm playing catch up.

And of course there is the fear of miscarrying again. What if I get pregnant with twins again? The miscarriage rate is higher for multiples. I guess I'm just plain old scared.

So the next 8 weeks look to be fairly stressful with IVF on top of my stresses at work. Yes, work is still crazy. And I've recently decided to start painting the kitchen - it's a creative release for me to not think about work or IVF or infertility or anything I don't want to think about. But as Dave says, I am going to run out of things to paint!

Looking forward to the weekend. Hope everyone is staying cool in this hot weather!

Cheers!!

I have to wish my beautiful neice a happy 2nd birthday!

Uncle Dave & I are looking forward to your big birthday bash next Sunday! We can't believe what a big girl you are! We love you Kadence!!!!




And happy 1 yr anniversary to my brother-in-law Mark & his beautiful wife Kacey! Yesterday was 1 year for them, and we hope it is the first of many, many to come!

Angels

An angel in the book of life

wrote down our babies births

and whispered as she closed the book

"Too beautiful for Earth"

Anonymous

TGIF

I'm so glad it's Friday! I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow (at least past 5:30 AM). It's been a very hectic week at work. My manager was in from Austin with the rest of my team members from other parts of the country. It was an intense week mentally, and physically demanding as well. I was up at 5:30 AM every day and working until 7PM, then out to dinner with the group. I'd get home at 10 PM and crash into bed, only to sleep for what felt like minutes before waking up to do it again.

On a positive note, my mid-year review was exceptional! My manager told me that I exceeded all his expectations, and he's entrusted me with some new challenging but potentially very rewarding tasks. My Oracle project is going okay (the training I conducted M & F was well received) except I found out that I have to work the weekend before we "go live" - so Sat & Sun Aug 11 & 12 - (sigh) But I won't think of that now.

Plans for this weekend:

• clean the house (which I didn't have the energy to do last weekend)
• run errands (dry cleaning, tanning, Hallmark, post office, etc)
• jog at North Park
• Take Lois to birthday dinner at Cheesecake Factory
• Investigate tattoo places for my tattoo
• figure out when I am going to get my tattoo!
• Deliver new laptop to my mom
• Call over-due friends to catch up (sorry!!)
• Spend quality time with Dave (who I feel like I haven't seen all week)
• Did I mention sleep in???

Something is telling me there aren't enough hours in this weekend! Hope you are all well !!

P.S. Please keep a family member (name withheld in case she isn't comfortable sharing) in your prayers as she suffered a miscarriage this week at 12 weeks. My heart breaks for her, as I too well know her pain. I know her angel is in heaven playing with both of mine.

What every weekend should be like...

It's Sunday night, and I'm thinking back as to what a great weekend it's been. I wish every weekend could be like this! Friday I snuck out of work early (as I've been putting a lot of time in after hours at home and working through lunch, so that is allowed right??). I went to my brother & Kelly's house to quickly visit, and then came home and finished the dining room by hanging curtains. Attached is a picture; we're thrilled with the outcome! We still need to make the window seat under the window as well as refinish the floors, but in time...



Saturday I did some retail therapy and spent some time relaxing. Then we had our monthly dinner gathering with friends. The weather was perfect, the BBQ and fixings were tasty, and the company was outstanding. And I got to fulfill my selfish desire to see my newest "niece" Carli - and oh my! What an angel!!!! She is so beautiful (looks just like her mommy!!) and so peaceful. And I got to see my "nephew" Hunter who is 9 months now (where does the time go?!?!) who is just so much fun and is crawling and walking behind his toys!!! He has these beautiful blue eyes, and this big grin when he smiles for the camera! And Angie's Joshua is just as handsome as I remember - what joy to have a house full of babies! It is always wonderful to see my girlfriends and their men too - that goes without saying.







Today after church, I got my hair colored (which was much needed - it was too blond!) and later on we met my mom, David & Kelly and the kids and Kelly's parents for dinner at the Waterfront for my mom's 56'th Birthday this coming Wednesday. It was wonderful - I so enjoy being surrounded by my loved ones. I just wish every weekend could be like this. There is a song out now called "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas which I love, but the words are just as powerful. Part of the song says:


Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away, but these small hours , these small hours still remain.




In happy moments like this weekend, I feel like those small hours make my life truly special. Wishing everyone a great week ahead, and sending you love and blessings.

Happenings....

I've been absent in updating the blog. A lot has happened and it's been a very hectic month. Work has been super busy with the Oracle project I am involved in. Half the month I've been in Raleigh, and the other half, while here, I've been working late a lot. Deadlines and a lot of catching up while I've been out of town....

Last weekend we watched my niece Kadance for the night which was awesome. She is such an angel, and it makes me long for kids to run around the house here. We took her to a local small carnival and she rode the merry go round with Uncle Dave. We had a blast with her.

I just returned from spending a few days with Angie and Josh - he is already changing and so different! I stayed at their place to help out as much as I could - cooking, laundry, playing with the kids, holding Josh so Angie could shower... Dave's been used to holding down the fort on his own, so he graciously let me take a few vacation days to be with the new mom and baby.

And speaking of baby, I was thrilled to learn that on June 14th, Jen delivered a healthy baby GIRL (much to my surprise as I would have bet my life it was a boy in there!) Carli Janet was 7 lbs 6 ozs and 21.5 inches long (but don't quote me on that as I was so shocked to hear it was a girl that everything else kind of blurred together!) I didn't get the chance to meet Carli in person as I was in Raleigh, but I can't wait to meet her very soon!!! Carli and Jen are in my thoughts daily and it's really hard for me to keep away and not see them, but I'm trying to give mom some space to adjust to life with Carli.

Um, what else. Oh! We painted the dining room and it looks great! It's not 100% done as we still have to install the window bench and a new light in the ceiling, as well as refinish the hard wood floors. But we're getting there.

This weekend we're going to Philadelphia to help Mark & Kacey move. It looks to be a nice weekend coming up. Hope everyone is well - I can't tell from the lack of comments. Please say hello - I miss everyone!

Waiting

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance, and you tell me to 'wait?'
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair.
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never know, should you pain quickly flee,
what it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.
And though oft' My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait.'"

Joshua Sungming

He timed it perfectly - for me anyway. Angie was a bit exhausted after being in labor with constant contractions since Wednesday night. But Friday morning, on his due date, I got the call from Angie that she was on her way to the hospital. I was in Raleigh for the morning and due to fly home that afternoon. It was perfect timing for me since I would only be in town for 48 hrs.

When I landed in Pittsburgh that afternoon, I went immediately to Magee. Angie was only 2 cm and was comfortable on her epidural drip. I arrived around 4:30 and hung out until about 8 PM. I thought about going home, but by that time, Angie had progressed to 8 cm and I didn't think it would be much longer....

Around 9:45 they had Angie try pushing. The only problem was that while she could push, she had no idea when to push as she couldn't feel the contractions. So they let the epidural run out and an hour later, Angie would feel the contractions and began to push with them. I had left the room and Matt stayed with her. I waited across the hall for about 30 minutes.

When her nurse appeared (and the L&D nurse was wonderful!!!) I got up and stood by the door to ask how Angie was doing. Matt appeared and asked if I'd liked to come in to be with Angie. He said that since we'd been best friends for so long, she felt okay with me being there. I was so honored to be asked, and to be with her at such a special and intimate time. I helped hold her legs while she pushed and give ice-chips and encourage her to keep going. The poor girl was exhausted and pushed for 3 hrs! What a champ!!

It was now about 1:45 AM (having missed having Joshua on her due date) and the doctor felt that a c-section was her best option. She felt that Josh was "stuck" under Angela's pelvic bone and too large to pass. Angela consented to the c-section and they tried to prep her. But by now, the contractions were so strong and without the epidural (and without being able to push) she was miserable. The epidural button was doing nothing for her, and the anesthesiologist hadn't yet returned to administer the block for the surgery. It was so hard to watch my best friend be in such agony and such exhaustion.

About 45 minutes later, Matt came back to the L&D room to say that Joshua Sungming was born at 2:05 AM and was doing beautifully! Angie was great but exhausted. Josh was 8lbs, 8ozs and 22 inches long. They brought him into the room with Angie and I got to hold him. What an angel!!! What a miracle!!

I got to visit Angela and Matt and Josh the next day with Dave. Angie sounded much better and alert, and Joshua was doing great! I gave her a gift, and part of the gift was the blue blanket I had been knitting for Josh. The pictures are below - he is such a pleasant baby! Not much crying, and just as soft and sweet as can be. I'm already in love!!!

Mulch, mulch, mulch

Summer allows me to do one of my favorite hobbies - gardening. I think it's in my genes; my dad's dad was the gardener who used to place all the flowers in Kennywood for a while. He ran his own greenhouses (and sold flowers to those in the area) when I was little. I can still remember how those greenhouses smelled - wet, earthy and moist. I'd play in the greenhouses with my little brother and run around the aisles, hiding in small spaces. It was sad to see the greenhouses town down when my grandfather passed away in 1996.

My dad loves to landscape and his yard is proof of it. (Well, until the sewer line broke and the borough had to tear apart his yard, but that is another story entirely!). I can always call my dad and ask him anything about gardening, and he knows all the cool places to get supplies and such. And my mom's home in summer is extra special - the flowers seem to bloom for her as much as she loves to garden. Sitting on her porch to relax is a great escape.

Gardening.... I love it. It's something that I want to learn more about as well, because while I enjoy it as a hobby, I know you can do some amazing things with more knowledge. Being in Raleigh last week took me away from my flowers, and I missed it almost as much as my husband and cat. It was such a joy to come home and be able to work in my gardens. While they are small, they are just enough for me.

This past weekend, in the midst of running to and fro to see friends and family for holiday events, I tried to get some plants into my garden. Last night I was able to complete my task. During my lunch hour yesterday, I bought 32 cubic feet of mulch and loaded it into a truck I borrowed from work. Bag after bag after bag of heavy mulch. And we used it all, and still need some more! I thought I'd post some pictures of the yard. Plus we have a cool new fountain for the garden thanks to my mom and Christmas last year!

I'm off to Raleigh again on Sunday, and this time, for 2 weeks. I'm going to miss my gardening!

It's finished!!

We're finally done with the living room! And should add that we're very happy with the way it turned out. We haven't refinished the hardwood floors yet, but decided to wait until we do the dining room at the same time. Next week we begin that project. It shouldn't be nearly as hard since there will be no dry-wall needed. Just peel off the wall paper, patch & sand, and paint. We're thinking a nice Wedgwood blue color but haven't yet decided which exact shade.

Today I leave for the first of 3 weeks in Raleigh and will be back right around Memorial Day. While I'm not excited about being away for 3 weeks (the other 2 will be in early June), nor am I excited about the week's training (a new Oracle platform), I will at least be with some fun coworkers and in warm weather. I'll miss Dave and Zoe, and hope that my garden doesn't suffer in my absence.

Hope everyone has a great week and blessings to all!

Hope

I just wanted to post a picture of the spot I created in our garden for our twins - our memory spot and a place of hope. The stepping stone is hard to read in the picture, but it says "Angels gather here".

A mother without a child...

A friend of mine sent me the article below which I found very heartfelt. I don't really "dread" mother's day (I have some amazing women in my life!) but I know it will be a difficult day emotionally for me. Yesterday I planted a memory garden for the twins - it has wonderful pink oriental lilies (which smell amazing) and two concrete baby birds and a stone that has the word "hope" carved into it. It's nice to have a special place to think about our twins and to cry if I need to.

How to Handle Mother's Day - by Clara Hinton

Special days of any kind can be especially difficult for anyone who has lost a child. The first year following the loss of a child is often filled with days of dread and fear when anniversary dates and holidays approach. Mother’s Day is a holiday that is one of the most dreaded holidays of all. A mother grieving the loss of her precious child often spends weeks in fearful waiting of the day, wondering how she will every make it through.

There is no real way of avoiding Mother’s Day. The stores are filled with gifts made and designed especially for mothers and children. Advertisements for gifts on the radio and in the newspaper bombard us every day for weeks prior to Mother’s Day. Card and flower shops experience their busiest season of the year on Mother’s Day. Reminders of this special holiday are everywhere! The pain of facing Mother’s Day without a child can be the most lonely pain a mother will every know. There is an empty ache that becomes increasingly more evident as the day approaches, and there seems to be no way to find relief.

It is wise to share these feelings with other family members and friends rather than to avoid the topic. By sharing how you feel, you can alert others to be more sensitive to your needs during this painful day of sad reminders. Sit down with your family and discuss what you would like to do for Mother’s Day. Remember that this is not a time to worry about hurting other’s feelings, but rather a time to make your wishes known. Remind yourself often that there is no right or wrong way to handle Mother’s Day.

Some mothers have found it helpful to go away on a mini weekend trip, totally avoiding any church service, special meals, or family gatherings that will be too painful to attend. Other mothers choose to do something special in memory of their child such as take a walk to a quiet place, read a special poem, and then release a balloon in memory of their child. The actual releasing of the balloon is known to give mothers a sense of letting go that is quite healing. Many choose to use Mother’s Day as a special day to plant a flower or a tree in memory of their child who has died. Seeing something growing is often a visible reminder of the ongoing love a mother has for her child.

Whatever you choose to do, remember not to set expectations too high for the day. Plan to do something that is healing for you, but realize that you will still experience a wide gamut of emotions, and many tears will fall. Because grief is exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, be sure to eat nutritious food for the day, hydrate yourself with lots of fluids, and allow yourself time to rest and be replenished. Grief work is the hardest work you will ever do!

By planning ahead for Mother’s Day, you have already crossed a big hurdle in your walk through child loss. Telling others that this is going to be a difficult day for you is a way of building up a support system that will help you get through the day. Remind yourself often that you will make it through Mother’s Day, and when you do, you will be one step farther along in this difficult journey we call grief.

My life as PigPen

I feel like PigPen from the Peanuts - our home is a disaster zone. There is a thick layer of dust everywhere in the house, all from the living room project. The dry wall ceiling is up and mudded, and we're slowly taking care of the walls. Most of the furniture is moved out into other rooms aside from the TV. It makes me feel like we just moved in rather than living here for 3 years. The picture shows the living room with one wall primed but not painted. You can see how everything else is patched. And the picture below is our dining room - no room to eat in there!

The weather has been great and the heater hasn't been running in a week, so I just don't get how the dust has made it to the second floor! No matter how often I dust, or how often the floors are scrubbed, the place has a constant look of being a mess. For a clean freak and a control freak like me, it leaves me rather anxiety filled! I know we're making progress, and it is going to look GREAT when we're done. I just wish I knew when that would be.

I've been feeling better since the miscarriage - emotionally it is getting a little easier each day. Physically I am healing. Today I had a doctor appointment to assess how I'm doing. I still have a good amount of hCG (pregnancy hormone) in my system so it's going to be a bit longer that I have to deal with everything on a physical level. Although today tested my mental strength as well - I had to go into the same exam room and got the same ultrasound tech as when they found out the twins had no heartbeat. Being in that room with the same tech just brought it all back - all I could do was lay there and just wait for it to be over.

Big weekend plans - we have a double date with Mike & Molly Friday night for dinner and to see Spiderman 3. We got advanced tickets so we're very excited. Saturday afternoon we plan to see family and our new cousin adopted from Russia. Later Saturday night we have our monthly dinner with friends. Sunday is church and my nephew's baseball game. And of course painting and cleaning the house between all that. PigPen here best get back to scrubbing the floors; if only I could find my bucket in the mess of tools clogging my living room! Love to all~

Extreme Home Makeover needed

Where is Extreme Home Makeover when you need them??? Yesterday we planned to start demo on our living room ceiling. The lathe and plaster was sagging fairly badly (was like that when we bought the house) and was getting worse. The bright owners who lived there prior to us (and who by the way loved wall paper) put wall paper on the ceiling to help hold the plaster in place. So we could see it sagging; you may remember it as well if you've been to our home.

Well, yesterday we decided we were going to take down the plaster and put up the dry wall. I honestly had no idea how messy this was about to become. My father in law cut the wall paper a few inches and a 6 foot by 6 foot portion of my living room ceiling just collapsed onto the floor!! I was in the kitchen and it sounded like a bomb went off... the dust that invaded the kitchen through the plastic tarp made it look that way too. Thank God no one was hurt! All day long, Dave, his dad, and a few friends (who we owe much more than beer) spent the day tearing down the ceiling and then putting up new drywall.

I think the pictures say it all - no, they aren't blurry - that is all the dust in the air! Unfortunately, the couch may be ruined from the dust (even though it was in the other room) if I can't steam clean it somehow. We still have a ton of work left to do - mud the ceiling, sand it, repeat 3x, prime it, paint it... and that is just the ceiling! We still have to patch the walls, prime them and paint them as well. And refinish the hardwood floors via sanding and staining. I think it is going to be a very busy summer.....

On a happier note - happy birthday to my beloved husband today!!!

A little update

Just a small note to thank everyone for their prayers, cards, flowers, and love they've been sending our way. The procedure on Friday went fine and I'm recovering fine physically. Emotionally / mentally, each day is getting better.

I did get confirmation that the twins died very recently in comparison to the ultrasound. One twin measured 8 weeks exactly, and the other twin measured 8 weeks / 5 days. This put the last twin's death at Easter Sunday. I had my ultrasound the next day... It helps to know somehow that they didn't die together, and thus, maybe not for the same reasons. My doctor said that while miscarriage is higher with multiples, often if one passes away for one reason, the body kind of goes into a shutdown mode to prepare for miscarriage, and this can adversely affect the remaining twin. I am hoping this is our case, and we don't have some kind of genetic issues at hand.

It will be some time before we try again - physically I need to heal, and emotionally, we just aren't ready for this again. Maybe 2008 will be a better year to expand our family. Thanks again for all your love~

Saying "goodbye" before we could say "hello"

We've been really quiet for a few reasons- it's been quite an emotional ride. In mid January, we began the process of our first IVF attempt. We were nervous and excited - the shots, the daily medical appointments, the stress, the anticipation. We didn't want to say anything to everyone for fear that it wouldn't work out. It was such a hard road, so we decided to only tell our immediate family and a few very close friends whose support was invaluable.

The results of the IVF were fairly good for our first try - On Feb 20th, we had 15 eggs and 7 fertilized. One of those 7 fertilized abnormally, and then arrested. Two of the 7 embryos were implanted into me on February 23rd. The other 4 embryos were kept culturing for cryopreservation. Two of the four survived and two arrested.

On March 4th, I took a home pregnancy test and was delighted to discover we were pregnant. It had worked! That was such a wonderful moment, sharing the results with Dave and then together with our families. A blood test the next day confirmed that we were pregnant, and the high beta number seemed to indicate a potential for multiple viable embryos. One March 19th, we had our first ultrasound and saw two well defined sacs with all that should have been - twins! It was too early to detect a heart beat - I wasn't even 6 weeks pregnant, but our doctors were happy with what they saw and said to return in 3 weeks to see the heartbeats.

Keeping the news a secret was hard. We wanted to shout from the rooftops that our long journey to become parents had ended - 18+ months of trying was over, and the hardest part was behind us. We started to dream - thinking of names, counting down the months that lay ahead - we'd find out the genders in June, and the babies would most likely be born in October. We began telling extended family - aunts, uncles, first cousins. I had to tell work because I was already starting to show just a little bit and didn't want my boss to hear speculation from anyone, but rather the truth from me.

Like any pregnancy, I felt all kinds of things - excitement, nervousness (how can you not with 2??), hopeful. I was a little overwhelmed from all the reading I was doing, but I wanted to be informed. And the physical symptoms began to manifest around 5 weeks- the nausea, the breast tenderness, the sleeplessness. Constipation, skin changes, and food aversions/ cravings were just part of my new world. Even gaining the 30 pounds since the beginning of our journey, and the weight I was sure to put on, it was all going to be worth it.

Kindness out poured from family and friends - we received so many cards and baby clothes and blankets and stuffed animals and gift cards to use. Everyone was so excited. We purchased nursery furniture when we saw a deal we just couldn't pass by. All our dreams were on their way to becoming true.

Yesterday we went in for our routine ultrasound - we were going to see our babies heartbeats. But from the look on the technician's face, I could sense that something was wrong. And then she confirmed my fear- she wasn't able to detect the heartbeats. She showed me both babies heads and bodies - they'd grown so much in the past 3 weeks. But there was no flutter in the chest. They cannot say when or why this happened, but I know that the heartbeat began at some point because so much growth had taken place; the death had to be recent.

What happened afterwards is still somewhat of a blur. I guess your mind tries to blur things to protect you. I know the doctor spoke to us and expressed condolences. She said that they could offer no reason why this occurred because things were progressing so well. She encouraged us to try again in the future when we were ready. And she discussed options to physically remove the fetuses from my body. On Friday morning, I'll undergo a D&C. We've opted to not subject our twins to medical testing - it won't change the outcome, and it would offer no insight for future attempts for IVF or frozen transfers of our 2 embryos that remain, should we chose to try again.

Right now we're just numb. How quickly life changes, how cruel when dreams are crushed. Dave and I just sit in silence and don't know quite what to say to one another. What can you say, really? We both wish things would have turned out differently, and we both know that we love one another. Beyond that, we're just getting through each hour as best we know how. I didn't sleep well last night and around 3 am got up and went downstairs for a few hours. I find that I can only breakdown when I'm alone. One moment I feel almost "normal", what ever that means now, and another moment I feel the emotional weight of the situation won't let me breathe.

It's easier for me to email than to speak on the phone. It seems that having to verbalize that "I had a miscarriage" is enough to make me start sobbing. Just ask the nurse at the hospital when I called to cancel my next ultrasound and she wanted to know "why". I'm betting she may not ask "why" to any cancellations the rest of this week.

I don't know what the future holds for us. We really thought the hardest part was behind us with the unexplained infertility and the IVF. I don't quite know how to deal with the feelings I have inside - the guilt, the shame, the hopelessness, the wondering "why did this happen to us?". I do know that after Friday, I'll begin to go through post-partum symptoms as my body clears itself of the hormones, and I'm not looking forward to that. I know that come October, I'll probably feel sad and wonder "what if". I wonder where our two little angels are now, and if they knew they were loved and wanted more than anything.

We're really grateful for the outpouring of support we've received in the past 24 hours, and ask that you keep all 4 of us in your prayers.

Happy March

I know, I know - where have I been? The sad news is that we're just not exciting people and haven't been really up to much. I am glad that it's March though since that means springtime is right around the bend!

We have some travels coming up this month - I'm going to St. Louis for 3 days next week (W-F) and then Dave and I both will be heading to Palm Springs, CA for my 33rd birthday. We leave on the 22nd and come home on the 25th. And while I have a very considerate and loving husband, this trip is not my b-day gift from him. =) I "won" this trip from work for being part of a high-profile project. There is an awards dinner Friday night the 23rd of March and work is paying for me to go out there. Spouses were allowed to come at their own expense, so we scoured the Internet for cheap tickets for Dave and found one. And the best part - I won't be working! It is more of a vacation awards dinner - they pay for spa days for me and golf for Dave (since I don't golf Dave can golf in my place). The resort is very nice and according to my brother, the golf course one of the top in the country. http://www.indianwellsresort.com/ It will make for a great get away and we hope to bring home some of that sunny warm weather.

We've not seen a lot of Dave's family since we've also been attending a new church. (So if you're out there and reading this, hello!!!!) We've really been enjoying attending St. Luke's Lutheran in Perrysville / Ross Township. And it is 5 minutes from our house which is really nice too with the bad weather. But the congregation has been super friendly and each week someone new notices we are new, and welcomes us and introduces us. Of course we can't remember their names, but it is a very nice gesture.

Anyway, that is it. Just wanted to say happy March to everyone, and hopefully once winter goes away, we'll have way more exciting news to post about!

Winter Hibernation

I've been slacking. No other way to put it. I've really gotten into the winter hibernation mode of just coming home from work and curling up on the couch in front of the TV. And I've gotten good at it too! So much so that Dave has been in the same mode for a few weeks as well. Very exciting times in our household these days - ha ha!

Actually I just got back from a wonderful 4 day trip out to Denver. I cashed in my frequent flyer miles and went to stay with a very dear friend of mine from college. I hadn't seen Jennifer since our wedding >15 months ago, so we were overdue for some girl time. We hung out, cooked, shopped, had coffee and chatted, got pedicures and just over all relaxed. It was really wonderful! And the snow out there is just crazy!! I never get tired of looking at those Rocky Mountains!!

What else is new... hmmm.... Dave didn't shave for a few weeks upon my request and the results are shown in the picture. I love how it looks on him, but it is very prickly to the touch! Kissing makes me flinch, which has led Dave to shave it off this morning. It was nice while it lasted, but at least now I can curl up again my husband and not be in pain!

Some other random updates:

• Dave is heading out of town this weekend to make soupie in Ohio (who knew soupie came from Ohio?!) and I just plan to relax a bit.


• Saturday night is our monthly dinner club, so I'll go to that and hang out with the friends.


• Superbowl weekend we're traveling to Baltimore to visit some family.


• I kicked caffeine and artificial sweeteners! And I've only had 1 glass of wine since new year's eve, so I've pretty much kicked alcohol too. Hopefully this will do well with my body.


• The baby blanket is a little more than half way done and I'm pleased with it for the most part. I'm a little too perfectionist, but I keep reminding myself it is not bad for a beginner!


• Angie found out that they are expecting a little boy this summer! Joshua Mathew is growing just as he should be and Angie is feeling well. Go team blue!!


• Jen also had her ultrasound but opted to not find out the baby's gender. I can't wait to see pictures this weekend.


• Kristin found out that their little one is also a boy! ((For the record, I called it when I found out they were pregnant!!) Everyone is doing well - the best news of all!

Hope you are all staying warm and dry.

Love to all~

Back in the saddle again....

I spent most of this past weekend knitting. I lost interest in my scarf (though the colors were nice!) and wanted to move on to a different project that involved different kinds of stitches. I'm happy to report that after a bit of frustration and a lot of practice, I've been able to do just about everything I need to do to knit! Of course there is a lot left to learn, especially where the fancy details are concerned. But there's lots of time for that.

I've started work on a baby blanket for a friend who is due this summer. I picked out a really nice gender-neutral color in a machine washable yarn (very important as I'm sure the baby will christen it often) that is oh-so soft! I spent about an hour on it last night and my hands are so cramped!!! I guess I need to relax my hands while I knit, but I don't have enough confidence to do so just yet.

It's an ambitious project for one of my first, and is going to take a lot of time. But with football season winding down, and since I'm not a big basketball fan, I figure it will keep me occupied.

Not much else to report from our end. Things are well and we're finally getting some cold temperatures so it should feel like winter... good news since my spring bulbs were starting to come up and were confused! Hope everyone is well!