Walk to Light the Night

I'm participating in the 9th annual Light the Night walk at Heinz Field this year. I'm walking in memory of my dear friend's husband Dr. Joseph Lin. The walk is in support of those battling blood cancers like leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin’s disease and myeloma.

Joe passed away last Friday after fighting leukemia for 14 months. He was 33 - the same age as me. Actually a few months younger. He was married to my friend Karen for a short 2 years. The number of treatments he underwent (12+ bone marrow biopsies, a bone marrow transplant, numerous rounds of chemotherapy....) was just more than any single person should have to endure. But Joe never complained. Every single picture I've ever seen of him, he has a HUGE smile on his face. Even the pictures where he was in the hospital.

If you're able to sponsor me in the walk, I'd be most appreciative. I'm walking as part of a team, and we're walking in Joe's memory. Our team goal is $1000. I understand if you cannot donate - really I do. But if you can donate any amount, please click here. Your support is much appreciated!!

And a special thank you to the very special person who donated such a HUGE amount. You know who you are - I know who you are- and I love you!!

"Beautifully!!"

Just a quick update - found out that our 3 little embryos are doing "beautifully"!!!!!! I am beyond excited and relieved and thankful! Tomorrow at 9 AM I will become pregnant! They will place 2 of the embryos in me and freeze the other one for future use.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers as I truly believe they have kept us calm and made all the difference in the world!

Did you know a white lotus is a symbol of fertility?

From 11 to 7 to 5 to 3

Well, got the news from the fertility clinic. We have 3 embryos. I am really, really trying hard to stay positive, but to be honest, I am scared. I am really worried that they won't make it to Saturday.

We saw 11 follicles on Monday. They were able to retrieve 7 yesterday. 5 of the 7 were mature. 3 of the 5 able to be fertilized.

Remember I said that it is a numbers game, and it can only go down. This point right here is the most emotionally draining for me. For some reason, waiting to find out if I am pregnant isn't as bad. I feel like my body knows what to do once there are embryos in it. But the waiting to find out how many survive and if they are of good quality - that is just nerve wracking!!

I am trying to stay positive for our little warriors - trying to send them my love and positive energy. Trying to tell them how much they are loved and wanted. Please continue to send your good vibes / juju / love to them!!

On a good note - I survived my first progesterone shot in the butt today. We've not been looking forward to this. It is a HUGE needle that has to go 1.5 inches deep into my hip / butt muscle. Last time we didn't do these shots but instead did vaginal inserts. But they are expensive as well as, well, messy. So we decided to try this route instead. Dave has to administer these shots to me each morning at 6:30 AM until I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

And on an even happier note, happy birthday to my beautiful, wonderful, amazing sister-in-law-to-be Kelly. She is more "sister" than anything. I hope your year is wonderful and I hope you know how very much we love you!

Here We Go!!!

Got the official call from the doctor's office. We are all set for egg retrieval on Wednesday morning. Things are looking very good in there!

Estrogen = 1650, lining = 12mm and I have 11 follicles (wow - what a comeback!) and hopefully all will be mature and not over or under mature! Typically follicles need to be about 16mm for the IVF process. The "trigger" shot I take tonight (to tell the follicles to mature and be prepared to be released) will hopefully make the stragglers grow just a bit more.

Right: 1 @ 28mm, 1 @ 18mm, 1 @ 16mm , 1 @ 13mm and 1 @ 12 mm

Left = 1 @ 25mm, 1 @ 21mm, 1 @ 19mm, 1 @ 18mm, 1 @ 14mm and 1 @ 11mm

What does this mean? What happens next you may be wondering? Well, I get to have a needle stuck in me 11 times to suck out the eggs. This is done with the guidance of an ultrasound wand to guide the needle. Luckily, I am sedated so I can't feel the pain (until I wake up, and then can't take any pain reliever). Here is a fun picture that shows what happens.

After that, the eggs are assessed and the ones that are properly mature are taken to the embryology lab. Here, they will be placed with Dave's sperm from that morning (why does he get to do all the fun things and I get needled???). The embryologist will suction up a single sperm to inject into the egg and Lord willing, the egg will start the fertilization process and start dividing. Here is a picture of that too for you - it is just amazing what happens!

I'm feeling okay physically, and very good mentally. I'm thinking positively, and banking as much karma as I can, so I can turn it all in this week (ha ha). Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers as I know they are a big difference as to how well this has progressed!

The weekend was very nice - watched some football (love the new TV -sigh) and had dinner with Dave's dad & step mom. While Dave ran 16 miles on Saturday, I ran some errands and cleaned. It felt good to get some things under the belt. Oh, and my car battery died unexpectedly Friday night, so we had to take care of that this weekend. But overall, no complaints at all!

Ray of Light

Today I am a mixture of hope and sadness. A virtual friend whom I've known for 3 years, and had the pleasure of meeting a few times, lost her husband Joe to leukemia. They were married a little over 2 years, and had been fighting the leukemia battle for about 15 months. My heart breaks for Karen and their families.

Joe was a doctor in the Pittsburgh area, and while I knew Karen better, I got to meet Joe a few quick times as well. He was 33. Following Joe & Karen's journey against the leukemia these many months has shown me what strength people can possess; it's shown me faith in action, and a boundless love.

Today on the way to my doctor's appointment this morning, after having learned this sad news, I saw a single thick ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds, reaching down to the ground. I continued along the highway just staring at this beautiful sight up ahead. I just know that was the Lord calling Joe back home. Thank you for your prayers for them, and I humbly ask that you continue to keep them in your intentions. They are good people - beautiful people - and even though Joe is at home with the Lord, I know Karen's heart and soul long for her husband to be with her just one more day.

The good news of today is that the doctor said I am coming along still.

• Estrogen = 1065
• Uterine lining is a nice cushy 11mm
• I have 8 follicles / eggs - 1@ 21mm, 1 @ 18mm, 1 @16mm, 2 @ 12mm, 1 @ 11mm, and 2 @10mm

The doctor would like me to go one more day with the stimulation meds so the smaller ones can catch up. I hope I can hang in there - it is getting so crowded in there I can't sleep on my belly or side. Too much pressure!

That means that egg retrieval will be Wednesday and embryo transfer will be Saturday. I'll be on bed rest Sat & Sun.

Thanks for the continued thoughts for us. They are working!!

Oh, and GO STEELERS!!

IVF update

I am trying to stay positive, but this whole IVF thing can be so hard!! I am doing "fine" by my doctor, but I can't help but compare myself to where I was last time. I've been stimming for 6 days now. My estrogen is at 439 and I have five measurable follicles.

• 2 at 15mm
• 1 at 12mm
• 2 at 10mm

At this point in my last cycle, my estrogen was almost double and I had 10 follicles. Now, I know each time is different, but maybe it is the scientist in me that screams "WHY ISN'T MY BODY REACTING BETTER"??

I can't continue to stimulate my ovaries because the doctor has to stop me when I have follicles reach 16mm or I will lose them. So with any luck, I will have one or two more little follicles step up to the place and have about 7 follicles during next week's egg retrieval.

I know it only takes one, but what most people don't realize is that your numbers can only go down. If they get 7 follicles, and they fertilize as expected, we'll have hopefully 4 or 5 embryos. It is very rare to have 100% fertilization. And then not all fertilized embryos survive. (Last time we lost 2 along the way) So in essence we started out with 12 follicles and ended up with 4 embryos. So with only starting out with 5 follicles - we're not going to have a lot to work with, so we may not even get one. Ugh - it is so frustrating and scary and nerve racking and uncertain. Quite the challenge for someone who doesn't like the unknown and is a bit of a control freak. Oh, and have I mentioned this is my life-long dream - to have a baby and be a mom?? No pressure there!

I go back in for monitoring on Saturday morning, and it looks like I'll trigger Sunday night for egg retrieval on Tuesday morning. Please, please continue to send good vibes our way.

September - wow!

I can't believe that it is September already! It was a wonderful labor day weekend for me - beautiful weather and time with lots of family and friends.



Friday night Dave & I had a date night at the movies to see the Borne Ultimatum which rocked!!



Saturday I got to see Jen & Carl and their sweet daughter Carli - she is such an angel! They live out in the country (so-to-speak) and it is such a treat to spend the day relaxing with them. My mom went with us, and we had such an enjoyable day! I'm posting some pics because they are too cute to not share!!


Sat evening we visited Dave's dad and step mom and some family, and then went to the BKF (Big Knob Fair, which to Dave, is the official sign that fall is on the way). Even more wonderful was that we got to see Mark & Kacey who drove in on a whim that weekend since they were already in PA.



Sunday we helped move Mike & Molly into their new place - which is so nice and full of charm! Then we just relaxed and did some things around the house. Monday I did some gardening and home stuff (and logged into work for about 5 hours, but it needed to be done).



On the IVF front - things are going well. I had an ultrasound and blood work this morning. The stims seem to be doing their job because even as I type this, I can feel some cramping and twinging in my right ovary (freaky huh!?!) I am looking forward to hearing how things are "officially" progressing. I expect to have a lot of office visits this week as they monitor me to see how close they are to egg retrieval. If this cycle is like last time, I expect to go in for the egg retrieval next Tuesday and then we'll probably have the embryo transfer next Friday.

***UPDATE*** I just got the call from the doctor - my estrogen is only at 155 and I only have 3 measurable follicles. Crap! what the heck body???? They want me to come back on Thursday for a re-check; granted I have time, but still. With all the pain I'm feeling already, I really thought the results would be better. I may be stimming longer, so next week's timeline above is out the window!

Thanks for all the kind words, prayers, and emails sent my way. You don't know how much it means to me - your support and love for us!


On a slightly selfish note, I just want to say "I love you" to my Grandmother in heaven. Today would have been her 86th b-day and it's also exactly 5 yrs since she passed away. I can't believe how quickly time goes by.

Prayer please

Just a small post with huge intentions. Please pray for my friend Karen's husband Joe. They received some devastating news this weekend, and after a long long year fighting leukemia, they really deserve some healing. Please hold them in prayer and in healing light.

little update

Just a quick update to say hello. Today I met Angie for lunch and got to see how much Josh has grown - my goodness! I guess breast milk every 2 hrs will do that to you! But he is as handsome as ever. I think at times he looks like Matt, but then at times he looks like Angie.

Other small updates are that work continues to kick my a$$ and Oracle 11i continues to stress me out. Blah! And I had a doctor appt today and things look good and just as they should. I have the green light to start stimulation meds tomorrow (whoo hoo for estrogen!!)

Have a great weekend everyone! Be safe and enjoy!

XO
B.

Splash the Dress- Crash the Body

This weekend was a blur. So much going on, and now I am paying for it! The combination of intense work and cycling for IVF is taking its toll on my body. Trying to do my other normal activities I guess was too much as last night I got a whopper of a migraine.

I know it is from the Lupron; I have no estrogen in my body and it is freaking out. I got like this the last time, and I'm a week in, so my poor body is very confused. It knows it should be a girl and have estrogen but has none! The only difference between last time and this time is that I have none of my Rx migraine meds. I have a call into my PCP to try and get some, but no sure if they will comply. And I'm too weak at this point to fight; migraine #2 in the last 24 hrs is beginning to develop and no doubt will be full fledged by the time the 4:00 Lurpon shot rolls around.

On a happier note, Saturday Dave and I participated in an event called "Splash the dress". It's hosted by my two friends Cyndy & Paul. They are professional wedding photographers. What the event does is provide an opportunity for them to experiment with new lenses, techniques, etc without ruining someones real wedding. So we get to dress up in a wedding gown (only fun for the ladies as the men seem like they were supposed to be done with this when the wedding was done!) . We headed up to Presque Isle (at Lake Erie) with 3 other couples and had a blast!

A few of the shots are shown here; some are not me obviously but I think are really cool! They took about 1000 pictures so when the link comes up for viewing, I'll have to pass it along. Please respect the copyright of these pictures and no copying please. All images are the property of Paul Meyer Photography (who by the way is just amazing and I'd recommend to anyone!)

Oh, and no, it's not my own wedding dress; that is tucked safely in my basement.

Love to all-

B.

New Addition to the Family

Well, the newest addition to the family is here!

Honestly, the pictures don't do it justice. The screen color and picture quality is amazing . Watching football on the TV is going to be my new favorite past time! The TV takes up less space than our previous one so the room looks even bigger.

On the IVF front - my last birth control pill is tonight, and I'm really excited! The Lupron shots (a.k.a. menopausal shots) have been going okay. They are making me sleepy for some reason, and I get a daily headache, but I guess that means they are working. Having no estrogen in your body will make you feel a little crappy.

Dave is home safe from Vermont! He said the camping was awesome and the scenery beautiful! The 100 on 100 race went well but with the unexpected hitch of one of the runners on the team getting stranded in JFK airport and not being able to make the race. So Dave and his cousins picked up and ran the extra miles. Congrats to the Red Dog Ramblers!

Ready to take a chance again...

That Barry Manilow song is stuck in my head, but probably for good reason. I'm ready to take a chance again. While I enjoyed a really relaxing weekend, one of the things I did was to take all of the baby items out of the back of the closet. I placed them into the armoire that we'd purchased for the babies. I'm ready, and I'm not only thinking positive for this cycle, I'm feeling positive.

I also started up again with my yoga. There are specific poses that enhance blood flow and fertility, and interestingly enough, they are some of the most relaxing for me. But what always strikes me as most amazing is that Zoe (my cat) seems to love to rub up against my legs or lay right underneath me when I do my poses. I've read that animals can sense the positive energy and qui flow that comes from doing yoga, and this is why they are drawn to you when doing these poses.

So I'm doing all I can to put myself in a good place physically, emotionally and spiritually. Tomorrow I start up with my acupuncture and first shot of Lupron. The lupron places my ovaries into further suppression / rest. It ensures that I won't ovulate on my own which would "ruin" the IVF cycle. This is accomplished by basically placing my body into menopause. And yes, that means I get all the fun side effects - hot flashes, moodiness, sleeplessness, etc. Sounds like fun huh? Wish me luck!

And we're Live!!!

I've been busy working. Oracle rolled out (after a 24 hr delay) at our work and I have been working very late. I even worked 12 hrs this past Sunday. I'm sick of working these late hours! But on a positive note, I've been getting some internal recognition at work with eStars.... eStars are points that you can turn in for merchandise or gift cards. I've accumulated a ton, and talked to Dave about getting Circuit City gift cards for my eStars and buying.....

Polaroid 46" LCD HDTV - enhance your home theater with full HD 1080p resolution in this 46" LCD flat panel HDTV from Polaroid. With the included stand and capability to be mounted, you have display options to fit any design.

I'd like to get this before the football regular season starts and I start going through the surgeries for IVF (what a better way to pass the time between the embryo transfer and pregnancy test than starting at a lovely TV!) But we'll see how many eStars I get and how much leftover we'll have to pay.....

Speaking of IVF - we signed consent forms again this week and met with our doctor again. She said after speaking to the embryologist, that she'd like to do an extra procedure with the eggs and sperm. They would like to do ICSI. This stands for intracytoplasmic sperm injection . Basically, rather than just put my eggs in a petri dish with Dave's sperm, they want to manually inject a sperm into each egg.

The reason they want to do this is because last time I had 15 mature eggs, but only 6 fertilized. They normally expect about 70% of eggs to fertilize with IVF, and we were below that. The embryologist felt that the sperm weren't able to penetrate the zona surrounding the egg as well as they should.

Previously, we'd discussed ICSI as an option, but felt that there was no need to do it because Dave's tests turned out to show no true problems. They normally reserve ICSI for male infertility issues. But tests don't show everything and no test is conclusive. (heck, both our tests show us to be normal yet 2 yrs later, we can't conceive "normally"). And for all I know, it could be that it isn't a sperm issue but that my eggs are as stubborn and as tough as I am!

In any case, we've decided to use ICSI. It means it will give us more embryos. The more we have in reserve, the better our chances will be both now (to be able to choose from the best of our embies to implant into me) as well as in the future (as we plan to freeze our extras should we need to use them in the future - not all frozen embies thaw to survive and are able to be implanted).

Hopefully we won't need it down the line, but it is a good option!

Love to all-

Gift

I got a package in the mail yesterday. My IVF meds! It's always scary to dump everything out and see what I am going to be putting into my body in a 3 week time period....

On a happier note, I've found that taking the BCPs at night doesn't make me sick - hurray!!!

Kad's 2nd B-day

I'm terribly biased, but I have THE CUTEST niece in the world! Sunday was Kadence's 2nd birthday party and was a lot of fun. Too much good food and presents everywhere and cake and kid's laughter.... to be followed by a Steeler's game..... how could it not be a perfect day! (I am so stinking excited that football is back I can't stand it. I don't care that it's preseason.... football is back!!!)

Aside from feeling like crap from the BCPs, things are good. I just wish the weather would break from this muggy, humid soup, but on second thought, I am going to save all my wishes for IVF instead!

Here we go again....

We're ready to jump back into the icy waters of IVF. We had almost tried earlier this summer, but I just couldn't do it. I guess I wasn't ready, and physically the pills were making me sick. I guess it was a sign it wasn't time. But we're forging ahead; we only get 1 more shot at a fresh cycle from our insurance for the rest of our lives / as long we have the insurance. So we decided to do our attempt now before the insurance renews. That way we can drop the insurance (which is through my work and expensive) and save a few hundred each month. Not to worry - we still have health insurance through Dave's work.

Anyway - here we go again. I start my first birth control pill on Sunday. The first part of the IVF cycle is to shut off my ovaries and allow them to rest. This is accomplished by BCPs (birth control pills). I'll be taking them for about 3 weeks before I start shots to suppress my ovaries even more. Unfortunately, the BCPs always make me sick - they give me a daily migraine, cause extreme moodiness, and just make me feel like I'm not myself. Honestly, it is the worst part of the IVF process for me (aside from the waiting to find out if I'm pregnant).

To be very honest, I am so sacred. I am scared because I've not been taking care of my body like I was when we first underwent the IVF. I gave up caffeine and alcohol and that isn't the case now. I was doing acupuncture weekly, and now we just can't afford it. I was in a much better state of mind as I was meditating twice a day, and that has fallen way off my to do list. And I think those positive steps really made a difference. It isn't like I can't do those things now, but I feel like I was doing them in advance last time, and now I'm playing catch up.

And of course there is the fear of miscarrying again. What if I get pregnant with twins again? The miscarriage rate is higher for multiples. I guess I'm just plain old scared.

So the next 8 weeks look to be fairly stressful with IVF on top of my stresses at work. Yes, work is still crazy. And I've recently decided to start painting the kitchen - it's a creative release for me to not think about work or IVF or infertility or anything I don't want to think about. But as Dave says, I am going to run out of things to paint!

Looking forward to the weekend. Hope everyone is staying cool in this hot weather!

Cheers!!

I have to wish my beautiful neice a happy 2nd birthday!

Uncle Dave & I are looking forward to your big birthday bash next Sunday! We can't believe what a big girl you are! We love you Kadence!!!!




And happy 1 yr anniversary to my brother-in-law Mark & his beautiful wife Kacey! Yesterday was 1 year for them, and we hope it is the first of many, many to come!

Angels

An angel in the book of life

wrote down our babies births

and whispered as she closed the book

"Too beautiful for Earth"

Anonymous

TGIF

I'm so glad it's Friday! I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow (at least past 5:30 AM). It's been a very hectic week at work. My manager was in from Austin with the rest of my team members from other parts of the country. It was an intense week mentally, and physically demanding as well. I was up at 5:30 AM every day and working until 7PM, then out to dinner with the group. I'd get home at 10 PM and crash into bed, only to sleep for what felt like minutes before waking up to do it again.

On a positive note, my mid-year review was exceptional! My manager told me that I exceeded all his expectations, and he's entrusted me with some new challenging but potentially very rewarding tasks. My Oracle project is going okay (the training I conducted M & F was well received) except I found out that I have to work the weekend before we "go live" - so Sat & Sun Aug 11 & 12 - (sigh) But I won't think of that now.

Plans for this weekend:

• clean the house (which I didn't have the energy to do last weekend)
• run errands (dry cleaning, tanning, Hallmark, post office, etc)
• jog at North Park
• Take Lois to birthday dinner at Cheesecake Factory
• Investigate tattoo places for my tattoo
• figure out when I am going to get my tattoo!
• Deliver new laptop to my mom
• Call over-due friends to catch up (sorry!!)
• Spend quality time with Dave (who I feel like I haven't seen all week)
• Did I mention sleep in???

Something is telling me there aren't enough hours in this weekend! Hope you are all well !!

P.S. Please keep a family member (name withheld in case she isn't comfortable sharing) in your prayers as she suffered a miscarriage this week at 12 weeks. My heart breaks for her, as I too well know her pain. I know her angel is in heaven playing with both of mine.

What every weekend should be like...

It's Sunday night, and I'm thinking back as to what a great weekend it's been. I wish every weekend could be like this! Friday I snuck out of work early (as I've been putting a lot of time in after hours at home and working through lunch, so that is allowed right??). I went to my brother & Kelly's house to quickly visit, and then came home and finished the dining room by hanging curtains. Attached is a picture; we're thrilled with the outcome! We still need to make the window seat under the window as well as refinish the floors, but in time...



Saturday I did some retail therapy and spent some time relaxing. Then we had our monthly dinner gathering with friends. The weather was perfect, the BBQ and fixings were tasty, and the company was outstanding. And I got to fulfill my selfish desire to see my newest "niece" Carli - and oh my! What an angel!!!! She is so beautiful (looks just like her mommy!!) and so peaceful. And I got to see my "nephew" Hunter who is 9 months now (where does the time go?!?!) who is just so much fun and is crawling and walking behind his toys!!! He has these beautiful blue eyes, and this big grin when he smiles for the camera! And Angie's Joshua is just as handsome as I remember - what joy to have a house full of babies! It is always wonderful to see my girlfriends and their men too - that goes without saying.







Today after church, I got my hair colored (which was much needed - it was too blond!) and later on we met my mom, David & Kelly and the kids and Kelly's parents for dinner at the Waterfront for my mom's 56'th Birthday this coming Wednesday. It was wonderful - I so enjoy being surrounded by my loved ones. I just wish every weekend could be like this. There is a song out now called "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas which I love, but the words are just as powerful. Part of the song says:


Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away, but these small hours , these small hours still remain.




In happy moments like this weekend, I feel like those small hours make my life truly special. Wishing everyone a great week ahead, and sending you love and blessings.