what a week....

It's been an exhausting week. I was in my second favorite city - Denver - for a few days this week on business. I really do love it there! Amazingly, when I was inside the airport, I bumped into a very good friend of mine who lives in Los Angeles! What good luck to see my friend Jen since I've not seen her in a year & a half.

Something that I did learn along the trip is that I'm suddenly feeling very pregnant physically. I dropped my book mark on the plane and spent a good portion of the 3 hr flight trying to retrieve it. I just can't bend and reach like I used to be able to! 12 more weeks to go, and I guess this is normal, but it's somewhat disheartening. I guess I just forgot about this part from last time?

I'm really tired as of late, and sleep is starting to get not so good. I can't seem to get comfortable. Plus I learned I failed my 1 hr glucose tolerance test; tomorrow I'm supposed to take the 3 hr one, and am not looking forward to chugging extra sugary disgusting syrup on an empty stomach and then getting blood taken repeatedly. I'm a really hard stick when it comes to giving blood and without any fluid in me to plump up my veins, this is going to be extra painful.

Not sure if we've announced officially too, but baby's name will be Benjamin Robert.

Happy news to wrap up this post - my father in law came home from the hospital today after his first round of chemo. He tolerated it very well during the entire week. His WBC numbers aren't coming down as fast as they'd like, but we are still very hopeful. We did learn that his diagnosis changed yet again (thankfully his prognosis is still very positive). Apparently Bob has mantel cell lymphoma. He had cancer in his lymph nodes for a while unknowingly; it broke through all the layers and released into his blood stream, which is how he got the leukemia (cancer of the blood). It is going to require massive lifestyle changes over the next 6-12 months while he recovers, but most importantly is that he is being treated for it. Thank you to everyone who has been asking about him and praying for him!! Please keep it up!

overall update

It's been a busy weekend here as Dave assembled the swing set in pretty much awful rain & windy weather. Special thanks to our friends Mike on Saturday and Matt on Sunday for helping out. We made it through step 39 of 57 (no exaggeration) and are hopeful that some work this week and finishing up on Saturday will allow us to be totally done. Otherwise we'll never get it moved from the driveway and inside of the garage!

My father-in-law starts his chemo tomorrow. I'm so nervous for him; he feels perfectly fine right now but I know he is going to feel like sh*t shortly. The doctors initially diagnosed him with CLL but it turns out that he has CML - chronic Myelogenous Leukemia. Basically a different white blood cell is the culprit.

But CML has a much higher risk of returning so they are much more aggressive in it's treatment. Thus the 7-10 day stint in the UPMC Hillman Cancer Center, and the probable harvesting of bone marrow stem cells once his treatment is done. Basically he will undergo a week of chemo in the hospital then have 2 weeks off to recover, then go back into the hospital for another week of chemo, 2 weeks off, rinse & repeat for about 5 sessions total. He has to stay in the hospital because the chemo cocktail he is on is so severe that they need to watch that his organs don't shut down, and the risk of infection is so great.

We're looking into the possibility of switching from publicly donating our baby's cord blood & stem cells to privately banking them for future use for our father in law. If his oncologist says it would help, we'll shell out the few thousand dollars without a blink of the eye. I've been putting my genetics hat back on since all this has happened, and it's super interesting to me as 95%+ of patients with CML have a genetic mutation between chromosomes 9 & 22. (It's called the Philadelphia gene if you want to google it for your own geeky enjoyment.)

Fortunately it's an acquired mutation meaning it happened somewhere along his lifetime; he wasn't born with it, and thus can't pass it down to his children in the germ cells. All the juicy science details have made me miss science so much again and made me realize how much knowledge I've lost from not using it. I used to do cancer research at Pitt; some days lately I feel like my knowledge levels are all about toddler behavior & the Wonder Pets.

The nursery is pretty much done with the exception that I need to get an end table to next to the rocker. Poor second child, already suffering at my lack of effort this time around. Funny how you can pour your heart and soul into the whole nursery thing the first time around (as well as other things) and then when it comes back around again, you realize that you don't need to go all crazy. Pictures as requested:

Happy birthday weekend to my dear husband who is in his 40's, from your trophy wife who is still in her 30's! :)

I'm late in mentioning (as April is mid way through already) that April is national infertility awareness month. And it's been 4 years (as of April 9th) since we lost our twins. A friend of mine also experienced a late 1st trimester loss around the same date this year, which made sad news slightly more so. So please keep in mind & prayer all the women and men who struggle with wanting a child so much and not being able to have that child so easily.

I'm off to Denver again this week. And I'm entering my 3rd trimester with 5 lbs gained total, good pressure and only mild swelling. Thank you God!

6th month

Sometimes it feels like time passes slowly in this pregnancy, and other times it goes by fast. I'm now in my 6th month and have 15 weeks left. At times it feels like the end can't come fast enough. While my blood pressure and weight have been good, I'm starting to succumb to a lot of the "minor" things like my back aching, swollen feet and carpel tunnel. This morning my right hand and lower arm were numb for a few hours. I didn't think this happened this early when I was pregnant with Corinne, but apparently some of it did. (Thank goodness for blogging as I can't remember what happened a few days ago let alone years ago!) And the whole "not gaining weight" thing - HA! I feel like I've now exploded out now. Thursday's OB appointment will tell the tale. I also wanted to take a minute to publicly thank my friends Sara and Robyn who so generously donated their baby boy clothes to me. THANK YOU!!!! We spent a few days last week going through everything they gave us (along with the gender neutral stuff I have from Corinne). It's unbelievable the amount of clothes we have!! I had to clear out items in the closet and dresser to fit the clothes we have and they still do not all fit. I need to figure out where we're going to put everything. Not exaggerating, this little boy can crap himself 3x a day and need 4 outfits a day and won't wear the same thing for months and months. We have enough clothes under 9 months that I don't plan to buy a single thing. I actually need to tell one friend to not loan me the boy clothes she was going to because I don't need them. I hope it doesn't sound ungrateful, but we really don't need any clothes under 9 months for this little one. I know that people will do what they want to do, and that is fine, but I worry that we won't get to wear things on him at this rate.

Sat at the Zoo

Saturday we went to the zoo; while the weather was initially a little chilly, it turned out to be a perfect day to visit the animals. They don't care for it too hot (I totally agree!) and when you go early, they are more active. Here are the three Amur tiger cubs playing with their mama and each other. The cubs are huge for 7 months young. When we left 4 hours later, they were all just laying there sleeping. Trust me - go early!

The tigers were right up against the viewing window which was really cool to see. Cori said "They're gonna get me!" and it was a bit awesome to be so close to them, even if separated by glass. We also got to see feeding time for the penguins. It was really neat and Cori loved it.

Look at that expression of happiness! Cori's favorite is always the fish though...

The sea lions were as playful as ever, and no crowds made for easy viewing up close.

As you can see from the smile, Cori had an awesome time. She was zonked out in the car not even 2 minutes after we left the parking lot. We can't wait to go back!

An Enemy Returns

Recently we got some news that threw us for a loop; an old enemy returned and hit closer to home. My father in law Bob (who is THE very best father in law in the world) was diagnosed with leukemia. He was feeling fine. An annual physical and blood work showed that his white blood count was very high. A normal person's WBC (white blood count) is between 4,000 - 9,000. Bob's was 134,000.

That number alone would put him into the moderate to advanced stages. When someones WBC is double what it should be & they are diagnosed with leukemia, they don't do anything. But with numbers this much higher, rounds of chemo are ahead. Fortunately today we got some good news that the CAT scan showed normal lymph nodes.

Bob's specific diagnosis is chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL). His prognosis is good once the chemo is completed. We are hopeful and praying none the less. As I mentioned, leukemia is an old enemy. Readers may recall back in 2007 that my friend Karen lost her husband Joe to leukemia. We participated in the Light the Night walk which raised money for leukemia research. I plan to do the same this October.

We appreciate any prayers and good thoughts you can send to Bob. He is doing well physically and mentally right now, but we know the road ahead will be rough. And please let Bob's story be a reminder to you that regular physicals & blood work just may save your life! Please see your doctor!

Welcome Spring!

I have to say that for the first full day of spring, it was pretty awesome outside today. Actually we were lucky enough to have really nice weather for the past 4 days in a row! Lots of sunshine and warmer weather. Which has meant lots of walks, playing outside at school, and daily trips to the playground. The fresh air and the activity have done wonders for Corinne and it's been a nice change of pace for us too.

Tonight we walked around the neighborhood for a while and met some neighbors. Everyone seems really nice, and there are a TON of kids in our plan. It's nice because there are about 60 (of 66 total) homes so it's not too small but not overwhelming. Most of the kids are younger too - kindergarten age or less, so that is perfect for making friends. (No doubt it will spell trouble in about 10 years or so, but we'll handle that then....) And I was invited to the development's book club which was nice.

This past weekend we also visited my mom for an early birthday dinner which was really delicious. Cori helped me blow out the candles and ate a ton of icing (which she calls "cake") and it was pretty funny.

Sleep training has been going much smoother (knock-on-wood). Without wanting to jinx it, that's all I am going to say. But it's been much better / smoother and Cori sleeps through the night until morning without waking which is wonderful.

I've been having some pregnancy insomnia and am starting to get uncomfortable sleeping. I can't seem to find a good position. Plus baby boy just keeps punching away at me most actively at night. And I'm starting to experience some minor swelling in my feet and aching in my lower back. It feels too early for this to be happening but I guess my body has other ideas!

Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig oraibh!

Corinne is a European "mutt" thanks to the background of her parents - Slovak, Hungarian and Polish from her Mom and German, French and English from her Dad. Oh, and I can't forget the 2.5% Native American from her father's side. She isn't Irish in the least. But we still wish "A St. Patrick's Day Blessing Upon You".

Sleep has been a little better the past 2 nights. She shows some anxiety at the end of our bed time routine. It's like she knows what is coming (us leaving) and she's taken to stalling - asking for more book stories, extra hugs, etc. I feel badly that she is anxious but am really trying to project a calm, loving attitude to her during the time. We tell her we'll check in on her in a few minutes, and we do. I know with Ferber you only go in after set times when the child continues to fuss, but it seems that Cori is comforted to see one of us check in after 5 minutes or so. We don't go through the gate (thankfully she has stopped opening it and throwing things) but just tell her we love her and we'll be back, go to sleep, etc.

It only takes about 12-15 minutes and she is asleep. And she's been sleeping through the night straight. She will wake up and fuss but has been able to put herself back to sleep right away. Last night a bad dream woke her up as I heard her say over the monitor "I want to go home!"but it was quiet again within a minute. We'll see how tonight goes as she only napped 30 minutes at day care today.

Sleep Training Update

Apparently I made the mistake of saying how well sleep training was going because it came back to bite me in the butt. While Monday was awful, and Tuesday & Wednesday were great, Thursday and Friday were back to not good. They weren't awful, but they weren't great either.

Saturday Corinne was at Um-ma's house, so we can't count that night. Tonight, as I type, I'm listening to her scream again like Monday night. Another awful night. I actually think this might be worse. AND she keeps opening the baby gate; if this keeps up, we're going to have to shut her door and start locking it from the outside somehow, which will scare her to death.

I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but this absolutely sucks. What the hell do I do now?

Halfway

Today marks the official half way point of the pregnancy - 20 weeks down, 20 weeks to go. I'm feeling good for the most part aside from some out of the blue nausea and occasional insomnia. I'm still down 10 pounds from before I got pregnant, but I'm not sure how much longer that will last. Here's a "belly shot" from this morning - I actually think I look more pregnant in the shot than I do in real life. I still have co-workers who tell me they had zero idea I was pregnant as I don't look it at all. Here's a comparison shot of 20 weeks pregnant with Cori (in which I gained 40+ pounds over all).
Yesterday my OB put me on pelvic bed rest because the placenta is covering the cervix. This is cause for increased risk of bleeding and premature labor should any stress be applied to or, um, inserted into the area. There is a chance that the placenta will move away from the cervix as it grows, but in my case, it started out fine and is kind of growing "downward". I know this because it happened with Cori's pregnancy (it's fairly common) and resolved itself by 20 weeks. Now I'm in the opposite case.... it started out fine but is going the wrong way. The important part is that the baby is fine, and I'll have another ultrasound in 10 weeks to see if it changed. Worst case scenario - I stay on pelvic bed rest and have to have a scheduled c-section.

But today has been a fun day - I found out that I got a really, really nice bonus from work for the work I did last year. It will afford us the ability to get Cori a nice swing set for the back yard. I'm leaning towards one of these two:

The first one is at Costco, but Cori has always been afraid of covered slides. It looks really well constructed though and I think would be fun.

The second one is at Toys R Us - this would allow me to buy gift cards at Giant Eagle and earn some big time fuel perks!! No covered slide to worry about, and has a nice sand box area which would be fun, but do I really want to have an uncovered large sand area for wild animals to do their business in?? I'd have to find a way to cover it.

We also started up sleep training this week. While Monday was horrible (is there a stronger acronym for horrible??) - full of tears and screaming and distress - the past two nights have been a complete 180 degree difference. Last night even Cori didn't make a single whimper or tear when we tucked her in and left. We've been leaving her door open with the baby gate preventing her from exiting her room, and the hall light is on low and I think that is the big difference. It seems to really comfort her. I just know I am super thankful that it's been going better, and I hope it continues that way. It makes both of us very happy.

Speaking of happy, tomorrow I'll be a puddle of happiness. I am having a spa day with my friend Sara. 2 hr massage, spa lunch, manicure and pedicure. And some much needed girl time - I can't wait. I'll be trying out a new spa near my house (well, new to me) called Osiris Wellness, so I can't wait to report back!

Meet our son!

That's right - it's a boy! It's been 24 hours since we found out and I'm still getting used to the idea, as much as I suspected it. Most importantly, he is healthy and growing well. He was moving and grooving around in there a lot. The tech kept asking him to slow down so she could get his measurements; he already doesn't listen! (which is fine, as long as he sleeps!!) Heart rate was 136 bpm.

I'm a bit worried since Cori really wanted a little sister so much. I'm hoping she will bond just as well with her little bro. We showed the ultrasound picture to her yesterday and told her it was her little brother. She replied "No, that's a doggie!" Ha ha - kids!

Now comes the hard part - names. Dave and I are pretty much worlds apart. We had decided on Benjamin Robert when we were pregnant with Corinne. Since then, I've gotten a really weird fear that people will call him "Big Ben", and since we live in Pittsburgh... And it isn't really the whole controversy about Ben Rothelisburger the Quarterback. It's more that calling our son "Big Ben" sounds really "Yinzerish" to me - esp living in Pittsburgh. Like, why not just call him IC Light or Primantis? And as much as it would drive me crazy, I'm not sure I'd be able to possess the stones to tell someone "please don't call him that - his name is Ben" etc. But I hate nicknames that people give to others, especially when the person may not be old enough to say "please don't call me that" etc.

I know it will all work out fine in the end. We're trying to explore other male name options, but I suspect that we'll end up using Benjamin since that is really the only name we can agree on. We shall see.

In the mean time, I've gone through 18 bins of Cori's clothes to put out all the gender neutral stuff. I cannot believe all the clothes that girl had!! Next up on the "to do" list is to finish setting up the nursery.

Welcome March

Thank goodness February is over!

That is all (for now)

Low Battery

This is me.

Thank goodness tomorrow is the last day of February. I'm convinced that February translates to "Germs" in some lost language. Cori was sick again this past week, and things peeked on Friday night. This time it was a bad cold - fever, watery eyes, nose running like a faucet, and a horrible horrible cough. And while I know Cori doesn't feel well, I have to be honest (and selfish) and say it's been really hard to me. Cori already has a strong preference for Mommy, but when she is sick, no one else will do. The regular visit from Grandma on Friday night even didn't appease her.

What's been hard is that I'm also a little sick (have been for a few weeks) and I can't really take anything since I'm pregnant. But more so, I've just not been sleeping well. Cori already needs me to sleep with her even when she isn't sick, but at least then I can sneak away during the night to get back to my own bed. This happens on average 3 times a night, but we were working towards sleep training this weekend to break that. With the cold, the sleep training is on hold.

But now that Cori is sick, I'm pretty much sleeping in her bed full time. I've been in & out about 6 or 7 times a night. It isn't comfortable trying to fit us both in her full bed since she pretty much is laying on top of me. Her coughs wake us both up, and her kicking my growing tummy isn't comfortable either. But last night I just surrendered and stayed in there all night in hopes that I could get a few consecutive hours of sleep.

I hate that it makes me resentful in a way of someone I love so much. I can't seem to get a break day or night. And then of course this invokes the mommy guilt. I know she is sick but I'm not 100% either. I just feel drained and want someone to take care of ME, pamper me for a change. As someone who is really independent, you know it's bad when I say I'm ready for someone to take care of me.

I'm looking forward to a new month, no germs, and a good spa day in the near future!

Thinking warm thoughts

Last week's warm weather seems like a tease now that I'm watching a few inches of snow fall outside. While I realize it is still February, I can't wait until spring rolls around!

Yesterday we had a great opportunity to experience some warmer weather for a few hours. Visiting with my great Aunt & Uncle afforded us the opportunity to go swimming in their complex's indoor pool. The water was super warm and just the smell of the chlorinated air made it feel like summer for a few hours.

Cori was a little hesitant to get off the ladder and into the water at first, but after about 10 minutes she was a fish. It took some prompting to get her out of the pool at the end.

As for the rest of the weekend, Dave and I got to have a date day - a full 24 hrs - on Saturday. We lounged, we saw a movie (The King's Speech - highly recommended!) and had dinner out at Siba. We won't discuss the hours we spent afterwards at Barnes & Noble looking at baby name books only to not come up with anything .

We've been struggling with our first born too lately, but in a different way. Listening & following directions have been horrible lately, and we are struggling with discipline. Luckily some great advise from friends has helped calm my mind and remind me that it's just a phase. And that consistency with toddlers won't be 100% but more like 80%. In those moments, it's very difficult to remember. For any other toddler moms out there, a friend passed along this article too, and I found it insightful. Make sure you click on the hyperlinks within the article to see 5 Tantrum Stoppers that work and 8 discipline mistakes parents make.

Small update

Just checking in since it's been almost 2 weeks. Just some small updates:

• Health wise, things have been a little nuts. I got sick on Superbowl weekend - caught the stomach bug that Cori & my mother in law had. Luckily it was just 24 hrs, and then I traveled to North Carolina for 3 days of work. That was fairly uneventful, and luckily Dave didn't get sick while I was gone (which was a fear of mine).
  
  Then Cori got sick again this past weekend with the stomach bug again. We can't seem to shake it fully but I'm holding out hope that we've finally kicked it to the curb.
  
• Pregnancy wise, I'm at 17 weeks now. Things are fine but I can't get over how different this pregnancy is from the pregnancy with Cori. First off, I'm down 11 pounds. Even my OB commented on it today. She confirmed that the baby is growing fine and will continue to take the nutrients it needs, so that is what is important. But losing weight?? And I've not yet definitively felt the baby move, which is kind of disappointing. I've had some questionable moments wondering if that was something, but I guess it's been long enough that I forget. Also baby's heart rate is a lot slower than Cori's ever was. Today it was 145 (totally fine, but Cori's was always high, like 170s.) Based on the old wives tales, this would indicate a calm little boy in there. Less than 2 weeks until we find out for sure!
  
• Sleep training is going to begin again soon. Cori has been sleeping surprisingly well lately with the exception of a night here or there. But it still needs to be done, and I'm still not looking forward to it! Overall Cori has been doing really well with school and such (we even have a parent teacher conference tonight - hee hee) so I'm holding out hope that this goes just as smoothly.

Mama mojo running high

I'm really starting to get into the whole Mom thing of doing some crafts and baking with Cori. Last night we made Steeler cupcakes for her to take into school today.
Steeler cupcakes are devils food batter for the black, yellow icing for the gold and of course chocolate sprinkles. Cori had a blast making the cupcakes; she loves to add the ingredients and to mix everything. She also likes to lick the spatula and bowl (some things are genetic and cannot be avoided I guess).


She also had to be the official taste tester and really got into that job:

Next week is her school Valentine's Day party. I really enjoyed putting together treat bags for her friends and valentines to hand out. But they asked that each child bring in a box or bag to collect their valentines. This is what I crafted. What do you think? I'm hoping she can use it for a few years, but even if she just uses it the once, I felt all mommy proud to be able to make it for her!

Mexican Skinny Lasagna

I thought I'd share a recipe for a meal that is both tasty and inexpensive. Bonus points that it is fast to make, you get 12 servings, and it is healthy! (And I bet you have half the ingredients in your kitchen anyways)

1 small onion chopped
1 green pepper chopped
2 tsp minced garlic
1.25 lbs ground turkey or ground chicken
2 T cooking oil

Add above ingredients to a skillet with high sides (or even a stock pot). Cook until meat is no longer pink; break up any large chunks of meat into pieces.

To the skillet, add a can of corn (drained), a can of black bean (drained and rinsed) and a can of diced tomatoes (drained of most of the liquid). Add about 1T cumin and 1T of chili powder. Stir and cook about 4 minutes more.

Now add 2C of pasta sauce and 1C of salsa and bring to a low boil. Cook about 5 minutes.

Spray some cooking spray on the bottom of a lasagna pan (13 x 9 x 2). Now add 1/3 of the lasagna mixture to the bottom. Take 2-3 large whole wheat tortillas and place them on top of the mixture. You will need to tear the tortillas to cover any bare spots, or cut them to fit. Then add another 1/3 of the mixture on top of the tortillas. Add another 2-3 tortillas on top of this - cut to cover and fit again. Finally, add the last 1/3 of the mixture on top of the tortillas.

Now add some shredded Mexican cheese on top of this. You'll use about 1.5 cups of cheese. If you'd like, add some parsley flakes or dried cilantro to the top for a pretty green effect. Cover loosely with foil and bake at 350 for 35 mins. Remove foil and bake another 10 mins. Let the pan rest for 10 minutes before you cut and serve. Depending how you cut, you will get about 12 servings from the pan.

Top your servings with some sour cream and fresh cilantro. Some corn cake would be a great side. And a margaretta would probably be really good to wash it all down. Enjoy!

Mis-mash

Welcome February, and happy early Chinese new year! We're a month closer to spring, and thank goodness, cause this weather is driving me stir-crazy! The anticipation of spring combined with some early nesting has been coming out in small ways around the house. I finally took down the snowman themed bathroom decor and put up more permanent decor.

What's kind of funny is that I like the the reverse side of these towels a little bit better than the "normal" side! Which side do you think looks better - the normal white with green & blue dots, or green & blue reversed with the white dots?
New front decor, thanks to Smith & Hawken (love that store - they really need one in Pittsburgh!)
A touch of spring flowers in the guest room to bring in spring.

As if the weather doesn't keep us cooped up enough, last week Cori got really sick and had to miss school on Friday. Early Friday morning she called to me over the monitor which is nothing new, but I went into the room and saw there was something on the sheets. I thought she had spilled her water sippy, but unfortunately she was vomiting violently. This went on for about 90 minutes. We'd get the poor kid cleaned up with fresh sheets, and she would just fall back asleep when it would hit again. Thankfully that was it, and after those 90 minutes, it was out of her system. But she still seems to have no appetite even now, and she must have been pretty traumatized as she still talks about her vomiting and says her tummy hurts and she is sick.

So far none of us have caught this tummy bug, and hopefully no one will! I'm already down about 10 pounds from the time I got pregnant and a stomach bug doesn't sound like a nice way to lose more! Speaking of the pregnancy, we're also exactly a month away from finding out 2.0's gender. I'm still getting a very strong "boy" vibe, though I'd love for Cori to have a little sister.

I think sooner than later we are going to have to start sleep training again. Cori is really, really in a "mommy" phase right now, and she requires that I lay with her to fall asleep. I hate to say "require", but if I am home, she will not accept anything other than me laying with her to fall asleep. But at daycare and at her grandparents, she naps fine without me obviously and by herself. And if I'm not at home, like traveling for work, she will let Dave put her down to sleep.

But if I am home, it is screaming and crying for 30+ minutes. I've pinned myself into a corner because after 30 minutes of screaming, I go in and tell Dave to leave and I'll just lay with her. I know it only reinforces the bad habit, but at that point, I can't sleep anyways and I'm frustrated and upset too. And it compounds it further in that when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she needs me to lay with her to go back to sleep. I've tried to sneak away and apparently no matter how ninja-like I am, she can tell I'm not there. So she cries out and here we go again. Last night it was 6 times.
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I have a really comfortable bed, and I'd really like to sleep in it. This is going to be hard on everyone I think, as much as I know it needs to be done and in the end will be better for her. I won't subject Dave's uncle to the sleep training when he stays over shortly, so I guess we'll start after Valentine's day. I'm out of excuses (new house, new daycare adjustment, etc) and I'm pretty much out of patience. I just hope that I have to strength to make it through!