Light the Night

Last night was the 9th Annual Light the Night walk for Leukemia & Lymphoma - it was my first year walking. I walked as part of a team of ladies (and some husbands and children) I know from online. We walked in memory of Joe Lin - my friend Karen's husband. Karen and Joe's parents showed up as well, and it was very nice. We did GREAT with our fundraising goal and exceeded the $1000 goal we set. (total values aren't available yet). When we watched the fireworks at the end, all I could think about was what a view Joe had from heaven....

Our Team A great skyline view

In Memory of Joe

As we walked: And no event in Pittsburgh is complete without fireworks!Just a small pregnancy update - I'm feeling okay, just a little tired. Our first ultrasound is on Monday and I'll feel much better after I get confirmation that everything is okay!

Our second wedding anniversary is on Sunday (can you believe it's been 2 years??) and I have something planned for Dave, but it is a surprise.

148

Got my second beta result today - #148, so slightly more than doubled which is very good. That means things are progressing nicely. It also solidifies in my mind that we're most likely only having one baby. Which is okay - we just want a healthy baby. I'm feeling okay aside from tired and a headache from the rain.

Last plea - if you would like to donate and support me for walking next week in the Leukemia & Lymphoma's "Light the Night" please contact me about sending a check or click here to donate online. Also, Dave is running in the Baltimore marathon on Oct 13th, and he is running in memory of Joe as well. The Leukemia & Lymphoma society is also sponsoring this run so we're looking for donations for this as well. I'm using the checks I've received and letting Dave "claim" them for his run. It all goes to the same place - literally - and I am fortunate enough to have surpassed my fund-raising goal. But if you'd like to donate, we welcome any amount with much gratitude.

Not much else is new - looking forward to new episodes of Grey's Anatomy tonight as well as The Office. I just hope I can stay awake that late!

We're Pregnant!

It's official! We're expecting our bundle of joy on June 4, 2008!

I took a home pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive, and then today's blood work confirmed it. The beta number (which measures the amount of hCG / pregnancy hormone) was 67. The doctor is very pleased; they want it to be above 20. Last time it was 157 with the twins, so this is leading me to believe we have a singleton in there. But time will tell (sometime in mid-October we'll have an ultrasound to confirm everything is okay).



I go back in on Thursday for repeat blood work to make sure my hCG has doubled as it should. I'm feeling okay - tired which is surprising this early. I didn't feel that way last time so maybe that is a good thing? But each pregnancy is different, even if it is with the same mother!



Thank you for your prayers and well wishes! Please, if you don't mind, keep them coming that s/he / they are growing normally and doing okay in there! we'll keep you posted!

Tick Tock....Tick Tock

Just passing the time.
I feel fine.

Aside from work which is stressing the crap out of me! Why is it that no matter what you try to do for people, it is never appreciated???

The past 2 days I've gotten nothing but gripes from coworkers about how something I've published or sent out didn't address this, or wasn't fair to this person, or do they have to do this, or why are we doing this now and not prior??? UGH! I give up people! Screw all of you! No training for anyone! No informational newsletters! How do you like that? Thanks for the appreciation of all the Oracle crap I dealt with for months and continue to do so, on top of doing my "regular" job! Jerk-store!!!

I feel better now.... until I get another email on my blackberry with some sort of complaint.

Reasons I think I am pregnant:

1. Cramping in the right place at the right time in this cycle
2. I am cranky as all get out, just like I was when I was pregnant before
3. Weird food cravings already. This time it is peanut butter and hot dogs. Thank God not together! What can I say - hormones do weird things.
4. I am embarrassingly flatulent, just like I was when I was pregnant before. My poor husband!
5. I'm in the mood to knit baby blankets.
6. I am very, very emotional. Cry at the drop of a hat.
7. I can't seem to catch my breath, just like I was when I was pregnant before. I am sucking wind walking up steps!

There are probably "logical" explainations for these things, but I am going to not dwell on them and say it is just becuase I am pregnant. After all, I AM pregnant, until the blood test next week says otherwise.

Reasons I think I may not be pregnant:

1. Sometimes it's easier to not think positively and not get your hopes up

((sigh)) tick tock.....

Embryo transfer update

Yesterday morning, about 10 AM, I became pregnant. =) The doctor placed two of the three embryos in - the 2 best she said. Our clinic grades embryos from A-F (just like school). They placed in an "A" and a "B". The A had 7 cells, and the B had 6 cells. Both completely normal for this point in time.

I am resting and sending them love & positive thoughts to grow. What is really funky is that our cat seems to sense something is up. She is not a lap cat in the least but she keeps wanting to jump up and lay next to my belly or between my legs near my hips while I rest or sleep. I'm not sure if she is sensing my energy or what.

My pregnancy blood test is at the end of the month. So far the worst has been the shots of progesterone in the buttocks (a la Forrest Gump). It takes a few hours, but the muscle just aches!!! I am hoping it will go away. In light of all that Joe went through with his leukemia, this is nothing. And in the end, I know our little one(s) will be worth all of this!

Walk to Light the Night

I'm participating in the 9th annual Light the Night walk at Heinz Field this year. I'm walking in memory of my dear friend's husband Dr. Joseph Lin. The walk is in support of those battling blood cancers like leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin’s disease and myeloma.

Joe passed away last Friday after fighting leukemia for 14 months. He was 33 - the same age as me. Actually a few months younger. He was married to my friend Karen for a short 2 years. The number of treatments he underwent (12+ bone marrow biopsies, a bone marrow transplant, numerous rounds of chemotherapy....) was just more than any single person should have to endure. But Joe never complained. Every single picture I've ever seen of him, he has a HUGE smile on his face. Even the pictures where he was in the hospital.

If you're able to sponsor me in the walk, I'd be most appreciative. I'm walking as part of a team, and we're walking in Joe's memory. Our team goal is $1000. I understand if you cannot donate - really I do. But if you can donate any amount, please click here. Your support is much appreciated!!

And a special thank you to the very special person who donated such a HUGE amount. You know who you are - I know who you are- and I love you!!

"Beautifully!!"

Just a quick update - found out that our 3 little embryos are doing "beautifully"!!!!!! I am beyond excited and relieved and thankful! Tomorrow at 9 AM I will become pregnant! They will place 2 of the embryos in me and freeze the other one for future use.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers as I truly believe they have kept us calm and made all the difference in the world!

Did you know a white lotus is a symbol of fertility?

From 11 to 7 to 5 to 3

Well, got the news from the fertility clinic. We have 3 embryos. I am really, really trying hard to stay positive, but to be honest, I am scared. I am really worried that they won't make it to Saturday.

We saw 11 follicles on Monday. They were able to retrieve 7 yesterday. 5 of the 7 were mature. 3 of the 5 able to be fertilized.

Remember I said that it is a numbers game, and it can only go down. This point right here is the most emotionally draining for me. For some reason, waiting to find out if I am pregnant isn't as bad. I feel like my body knows what to do once there are embryos in it. But the waiting to find out how many survive and if they are of good quality - that is just nerve wracking!!

I am trying to stay positive for our little warriors - trying to send them my love and positive energy. Trying to tell them how much they are loved and wanted. Please continue to send your good vibes / juju / love to them!!

On a good note - I survived my first progesterone shot in the butt today. We've not been looking forward to this. It is a HUGE needle that has to go 1.5 inches deep into my hip / butt muscle. Last time we didn't do these shots but instead did vaginal inserts. But they are expensive as well as, well, messy. So we decided to try this route instead. Dave has to administer these shots to me each morning at 6:30 AM until I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

And on an even happier note, happy birthday to my beautiful, wonderful, amazing sister-in-law-to-be Kelly. She is more "sister" than anything. I hope your year is wonderful and I hope you know how very much we love you!

Here We Go!!!

Got the official call from the doctor's office. We are all set for egg retrieval on Wednesday morning. Things are looking very good in there!

Estrogen = 1650, lining = 12mm and I have 11 follicles (wow - what a comeback!) and hopefully all will be mature and not over or under mature! Typically follicles need to be about 16mm for the IVF process. The "trigger" shot I take tonight (to tell the follicles to mature and be prepared to be released) will hopefully make the stragglers grow just a bit more.

Right: 1 @ 28mm, 1 @ 18mm, 1 @ 16mm , 1 @ 13mm and 1 @ 12 mm

Left = 1 @ 25mm, 1 @ 21mm, 1 @ 19mm, 1 @ 18mm, 1 @ 14mm and 1 @ 11mm

What does this mean? What happens next you may be wondering? Well, I get to have a needle stuck in me 11 times to suck out the eggs. This is done with the guidance of an ultrasound wand to guide the needle. Luckily, I am sedated so I can't feel the pain (until I wake up, and then can't take any pain reliever). Here is a fun picture that shows what happens.

After that, the eggs are assessed and the ones that are properly mature are taken to the embryology lab. Here, they will be placed with Dave's sperm from that morning (why does he get to do all the fun things and I get needled???). The embryologist will suction up a single sperm to inject into the egg and Lord willing, the egg will start the fertilization process and start dividing. Here is a picture of that too for you - it is just amazing what happens!

I'm feeling okay physically, and very good mentally. I'm thinking positively, and banking as much karma as I can, so I can turn it all in this week (ha ha). Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers as I know they are a big difference as to how well this has progressed!

The weekend was very nice - watched some football (love the new TV -sigh) and had dinner with Dave's dad & step mom. While Dave ran 16 miles on Saturday, I ran some errands and cleaned. It felt good to get some things under the belt. Oh, and my car battery died unexpectedly Friday night, so we had to take care of that this weekend. But overall, no complaints at all!

Ray of Light

Today I am a mixture of hope and sadness. A virtual friend whom I've known for 3 years, and had the pleasure of meeting a few times, lost her husband Joe to leukemia. They were married a little over 2 years, and had been fighting the leukemia battle for about 15 months. My heart breaks for Karen and their families.

Joe was a doctor in the Pittsburgh area, and while I knew Karen better, I got to meet Joe a few quick times as well. He was 33. Following Joe & Karen's journey against the leukemia these many months has shown me what strength people can possess; it's shown me faith in action, and a boundless love.

Today on the way to my doctor's appointment this morning, after having learned this sad news, I saw a single thick ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds, reaching down to the ground. I continued along the highway just staring at this beautiful sight up ahead. I just know that was the Lord calling Joe back home. Thank you for your prayers for them, and I humbly ask that you continue to keep them in your intentions. They are good people - beautiful people - and even though Joe is at home with the Lord, I know Karen's heart and soul long for her husband to be with her just one more day.

The good news of today is that the doctor said I am coming along still.

• Estrogen = 1065
• Uterine lining is a nice cushy 11mm
• I have 8 follicles / eggs - 1@ 21mm, 1 @ 18mm, 1 @16mm, 2 @ 12mm, 1 @ 11mm, and 2 @10mm

The doctor would like me to go one more day with the stimulation meds so the smaller ones can catch up. I hope I can hang in there - it is getting so crowded in there I can't sleep on my belly or side. Too much pressure!

That means that egg retrieval will be Wednesday and embryo transfer will be Saturday. I'll be on bed rest Sat & Sun.

Thanks for the continued thoughts for us. They are working!!

Oh, and GO STEELERS!!

IVF update

I am trying to stay positive, but this whole IVF thing can be so hard!! I am doing "fine" by my doctor, but I can't help but compare myself to where I was last time. I've been stimming for 6 days now. My estrogen is at 439 and I have five measurable follicles.

• 2 at 15mm
• 1 at 12mm
• 2 at 10mm

At this point in my last cycle, my estrogen was almost double and I had 10 follicles. Now, I know each time is different, but maybe it is the scientist in me that screams "WHY ISN'T MY BODY REACTING BETTER"??

I can't continue to stimulate my ovaries because the doctor has to stop me when I have follicles reach 16mm or I will lose them. So with any luck, I will have one or two more little follicles step up to the place and have about 7 follicles during next week's egg retrieval.

I know it only takes one, but what most people don't realize is that your numbers can only go down. If they get 7 follicles, and they fertilize as expected, we'll have hopefully 4 or 5 embryos. It is very rare to have 100% fertilization. And then not all fertilized embryos survive. (Last time we lost 2 along the way) So in essence we started out with 12 follicles and ended up with 4 embryos. So with only starting out with 5 follicles - we're not going to have a lot to work with, so we may not even get one. Ugh - it is so frustrating and scary and nerve racking and uncertain. Quite the challenge for someone who doesn't like the unknown and is a bit of a control freak. Oh, and have I mentioned this is my life-long dream - to have a baby and be a mom?? No pressure there!

I go back in for monitoring on Saturday morning, and it looks like I'll trigger Sunday night for egg retrieval on Tuesday morning. Please, please continue to send good vibes our way.

September - wow!

I can't believe that it is September already! It was a wonderful labor day weekend for me - beautiful weather and time with lots of family and friends.



Friday night Dave & I had a date night at the movies to see the Borne Ultimatum which rocked!!



Saturday I got to see Jen & Carl and their sweet daughter Carli - she is such an angel! They live out in the country (so-to-speak) and it is such a treat to spend the day relaxing with them. My mom went with us, and we had such an enjoyable day! I'm posting some pics because they are too cute to not share!!


Sat evening we visited Dave's dad and step mom and some family, and then went to the BKF (Big Knob Fair, which to Dave, is the official sign that fall is on the way). Even more wonderful was that we got to see Mark & Kacey who drove in on a whim that weekend since they were already in PA.



Sunday we helped move Mike & Molly into their new place - which is so nice and full of charm! Then we just relaxed and did some things around the house. Monday I did some gardening and home stuff (and logged into work for about 5 hours, but it needed to be done).



On the IVF front - things are going well. I had an ultrasound and blood work this morning. The stims seem to be doing their job because even as I type this, I can feel some cramping and twinging in my right ovary (freaky huh!?!) I am looking forward to hearing how things are "officially" progressing. I expect to have a lot of office visits this week as they monitor me to see how close they are to egg retrieval. If this cycle is like last time, I expect to go in for the egg retrieval next Tuesday and then we'll probably have the embryo transfer next Friday.

***UPDATE*** I just got the call from the doctor - my estrogen is only at 155 and I only have 3 measurable follicles. Crap! what the heck body???? They want me to come back on Thursday for a re-check; granted I have time, but still. With all the pain I'm feeling already, I really thought the results would be better. I may be stimming longer, so next week's timeline above is out the window!

Thanks for all the kind words, prayers, and emails sent my way. You don't know how much it means to me - your support and love for us!


On a slightly selfish note, I just want to say "I love you" to my Grandmother in heaven. Today would have been her 86th b-day and it's also exactly 5 yrs since she passed away. I can't believe how quickly time goes by.

Prayer please

Just a small post with huge intentions. Please pray for my friend Karen's husband Joe. They received some devastating news this weekend, and after a long long year fighting leukemia, they really deserve some healing. Please hold them in prayer and in healing light.

little update

Just a quick update to say hello. Today I met Angie for lunch and got to see how much Josh has grown - my goodness! I guess breast milk every 2 hrs will do that to you! But he is as handsome as ever. I think at times he looks like Matt, but then at times he looks like Angie.

Other small updates are that work continues to kick my a$$ and Oracle 11i continues to stress me out. Blah! And I had a doctor appt today and things look good and just as they should. I have the green light to start stimulation meds tomorrow (whoo hoo for estrogen!!)

Have a great weekend everyone! Be safe and enjoy!

XO
B.

Splash the Dress- Crash the Body

This weekend was a blur. So much going on, and now I am paying for it! The combination of intense work and cycling for IVF is taking its toll on my body. Trying to do my other normal activities I guess was too much as last night I got a whopper of a migraine.

I know it is from the Lupron; I have no estrogen in my body and it is freaking out. I got like this the last time, and I'm a week in, so my poor body is very confused. It knows it should be a girl and have estrogen but has none! The only difference between last time and this time is that I have none of my Rx migraine meds. I have a call into my PCP to try and get some, but no sure if they will comply. And I'm too weak at this point to fight; migraine #2 in the last 24 hrs is beginning to develop and no doubt will be full fledged by the time the 4:00 Lurpon shot rolls around.

On a happier note, Saturday Dave and I participated in an event called "Splash the dress". It's hosted by my two friends Cyndy & Paul. They are professional wedding photographers. What the event does is provide an opportunity for them to experiment with new lenses, techniques, etc without ruining someones real wedding. So we get to dress up in a wedding gown (only fun for the ladies as the men seem like they were supposed to be done with this when the wedding was done!) . We headed up to Presque Isle (at Lake Erie) with 3 other couples and had a blast!

A few of the shots are shown here; some are not me obviously but I think are really cool! They took about 1000 pictures so when the link comes up for viewing, I'll have to pass it along. Please respect the copyright of these pictures and no copying please. All images are the property of Paul Meyer Photography (who by the way is just amazing and I'd recommend to anyone!)

Oh, and no, it's not my own wedding dress; that is tucked safely in my basement.

Love to all-

B.

New Addition to the Family

Well, the newest addition to the family is here!

Honestly, the pictures don't do it justice. The screen color and picture quality is amazing . Watching football on the TV is going to be my new favorite past time! The TV takes up less space than our previous one so the room looks even bigger.

On the IVF front - my last birth control pill is tonight, and I'm really excited! The Lupron shots (a.k.a. menopausal shots) have been going okay. They are making me sleepy for some reason, and I get a daily headache, but I guess that means they are working. Having no estrogen in your body will make you feel a little crappy.

Dave is home safe from Vermont! He said the camping was awesome and the scenery beautiful! The 100 on 100 race went well but with the unexpected hitch of one of the runners on the team getting stranded in JFK airport and not being able to make the race. So Dave and his cousins picked up and ran the extra miles. Congrats to the Red Dog Ramblers!

Ready to take a chance again...

That Barry Manilow song is stuck in my head, but probably for good reason. I'm ready to take a chance again. While I enjoyed a really relaxing weekend, one of the things I did was to take all of the baby items out of the back of the closet. I placed them into the armoire that we'd purchased for the babies. I'm ready, and I'm not only thinking positive for this cycle, I'm feeling positive.

I also started up again with my yoga. There are specific poses that enhance blood flow and fertility, and interestingly enough, they are some of the most relaxing for me. But what always strikes me as most amazing is that Zoe (my cat) seems to love to rub up against my legs or lay right underneath me when I do my poses. I've read that animals can sense the positive energy and qui flow that comes from doing yoga, and this is why they are drawn to you when doing these poses.

So I'm doing all I can to put myself in a good place physically, emotionally and spiritually. Tomorrow I start up with my acupuncture and first shot of Lupron. The lupron places my ovaries into further suppression / rest. It ensures that I won't ovulate on my own which would "ruin" the IVF cycle. This is accomplished by basically placing my body into menopause. And yes, that means I get all the fun side effects - hot flashes, moodiness, sleeplessness, etc. Sounds like fun huh? Wish me luck!

And we're Live!!!

I've been busy working. Oracle rolled out (after a 24 hr delay) at our work and I have been working very late. I even worked 12 hrs this past Sunday. I'm sick of working these late hours! But on a positive note, I've been getting some internal recognition at work with eStars.... eStars are points that you can turn in for merchandise or gift cards. I've accumulated a ton, and talked to Dave about getting Circuit City gift cards for my eStars and buying.....

Polaroid 46" LCD HDTV - enhance your home theater with full HD 1080p resolution in this 46" LCD flat panel HDTV from Polaroid. With the included stand and capability to be mounted, you have display options to fit any design.

I'd like to get this before the football regular season starts and I start going through the surgeries for IVF (what a better way to pass the time between the embryo transfer and pregnancy test than starting at a lovely TV!) But we'll see how many eStars I get and how much leftover we'll have to pay.....

Speaking of IVF - we signed consent forms again this week and met with our doctor again. She said after speaking to the embryologist, that she'd like to do an extra procedure with the eggs and sperm. They would like to do ICSI. This stands for intracytoplasmic sperm injection . Basically, rather than just put my eggs in a petri dish with Dave's sperm, they want to manually inject a sperm into each egg.

The reason they want to do this is because last time I had 15 mature eggs, but only 6 fertilized. They normally expect about 70% of eggs to fertilize with IVF, and we were below that. The embryologist felt that the sperm weren't able to penetrate the zona surrounding the egg as well as they should.

Previously, we'd discussed ICSI as an option, but felt that there was no need to do it because Dave's tests turned out to show no true problems. They normally reserve ICSI for male infertility issues. But tests don't show everything and no test is conclusive. (heck, both our tests show us to be normal yet 2 yrs later, we can't conceive "normally"). And for all I know, it could be that it isn't a sperm issue but that my eggs are as stubborn and as tough as I am!

In any case, we've decided to use ICSI. It means it will give us more embryos. The more we have in reserve, the better our chances will be both now (to be able to choose from the best of our embies to implant into me) as well as in the future (as we plan to freeze our extras should we need to use them in the future - not all frozen embies thaw to survive and are able to be implanted).

Hopefully we won't need it down the line, but it is a good option!

Love to all-

Gift

I got a package in the mail yesterday. My IVF meds! It's always scary to dump everything out and see what I am going to be putting into my body in a 3 week time period....

On a happier note, I've found that taking the BCPs at night doesn't make me sick - hurray!!!

Kad's 2nd B-day

I'm terribly biased, but I have THE CUTEST niece in the world! Sunday was Kadence's 2nd birthday party and was a lot of fun. Too much good food and presents everywhere and cake and kid's laughter.... to be followed by a Steeler's game..... how could it not be a perfect day! (I am so stinking excited that football is back I can't stand it. I don't care that it's preseason.... football is back!!!)

Aside from feeling like crap from the BCPs, things are good. I just wish the weather would break from this muggy, humid soup, but on second thought, I am going to save all my wishes for IVF instead!

Here we go again....

We're ready to jump back into the icy waters of IVF. We had almost tried earlier this summer, but I just couldn't do it. I guess I wasn't ready, and physically the pills were making me sick. I guess it was a sign it wasn't time. But we're forging ahead; we only get 1 more shot at a fresh cycle from our insurance for the rest of our lives / as long we have the insurance. So we decided to do our attempt now before the insurance renews. That way we can drop the insurance (which is through my work and expensive) and save a few hundred each month. Not to worry - we still have health insurance through Dave's work.

Anyway - here we go again. I start my first birth control pill on Sunday. The first part of the IVF cycle is to shut off my ovaries and allow them to rest. This is accomplished by BCPs (birth control pills). I'll be taking them for about 3 weeks before I start shots to suppress my ovaries even more. Unfortunately, the BCPs always make me sick - they give me a daily migraine, cause extreme moodiness, and just make me feel like I'm not myself. Honestly, it is the worst part of the IVF process for me (aside from the waiting to find out if I'm pregnant).

To be very honest, I am so sacred. I am scared because I've not been taking care of my body like I was when we first underwent the IVF. I gave up caffeine and alcohol and that isn't the case now. I was doing acupuncture weekly, and now we just can't afford it. I was in a much better state of mind as I was meditating twice a day, and that has fallen way off my to do list. And I think those positive steps really made a difference. It isn't like I can't do those things now, but I feel like I was doing them in advance last time, and now I'm playing catch up.

And of course there is the fear of miscarrying again. What if I get pregnant with twins again? The miscarriage rate is higher for multiples. I guess I'm just plain old scared.

So the next 8 weeks look to be fairly stressful with IVF on top of my stresses at work. Yes, work is still crazy. And I've recently decided to start painting the kitchen - it's a creative release for me to not think about work or IVF or infertility or anything I don't want to think about. But as Dave says, I am going to run out of things to paint!

Looking forward to the weekend. Hope everyone is staying cool in this hot weather!

Cheers!!

I have to wish my beautiful neice a happy 2nd birthday!

Uncle Dave & I are looking forward to your big birthday bash next Sunday! We can't believe what a big girl you are! We love you Kadence!!!!




And happy 1 yr anniversary to my brother-in-law Mark & his beautiful wife Kacey! Yesterday was 1 year for them, and we hope it is the first of many, many to come!

Angels

An angel in the book of life

wrote down our babies births

and whispered as she closed the book

"Too beautiful for Earth"

Anonymous

TGIF

I'm so glad it's Friday! I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow (at least past 5:30 AM). It's been a very hectic week at work. My manager was in from Austin with the rest of my team members from other parts of the country. It was an intense week mentally, and physically demanding as well. I was up at 5:30 AM every day and working until 7PM, then out to dinner with the group. I'd get home at 10 PM and crash into bed, only to sleep for what felt like minutes before waking up to do it again.

On a positive note, my mid-year review was exceptional! My manager told me that I exceeded all his expectations, and he's entrusted me with some new challenging but potentially very rewarding tasks. My Oracle project is going okay (the training I conducted M & F was well received) except I found out that I have to work the weekend before we "go live" - so Sat & Sun Aug 11 & 12 - (sigh) But I won't think of that now.

Plans for this weekend:

• clean the house (which I didn't have the energy to do last weekend)
• run errands (dry cleaning, tanning, Hallmark, post office, etc)
• jog at North Park
• Take Lois to birthday dinner at Cheesecake Factory
• Investigate tattoo places for my tattoo
• figure out when I am going to get my tattoo!
• Deliver new laptop to my mom
• Call over-due friends to catch up (sorry!!)
• Spend quality time with Dave (who I feel like I haven't seen all week)
• Did I mention sleep in???

Something is telling me there aren't enough hours in this weekend! Hope you are all well !!

P.S. Please keep a family member (name withheld in case she isn't comfortable sharing) in your prayers as she suffered a miscarriage this week at 12 weeks. My heart breaks for her, as I too well know her pain. I know her angel is in heaven playing with both of mine.

What every weekend should be like...

It's Sunday night, and I'm thinking back as to what a great weekend it's been. I wish every weekend could be like this! Friday I snuck out of work early (as I've been putting a lot of time in after hours at home and working through lunch, so that is allowed right??). I went to my brother & Kelly's house to quickly visit, and then came home and finished the dining room by hanging curtains. Attached is a picture; we're thrilled with the outcome! We still need to make the window seat under the window as well as refinish the floors, but in time...



Saturday I did some retail therapy and spent some time relaxing. Then we had our monthly dinner gathering with friends. The weather was perfect, the BBQ and fixings were tasty, and the company was outstanding. And I got to fulfill my selfish desire to see my newest "niece" Carli - and oh my! What an angel!!!! She is so beautiful (looks just like her mommy!!) and so peaceful. And I got to see my "nephew" Hunter who is 9 months now (where does the time go?!?!) who is just so much fun and is crawling and walking behind his toys!!! He has these beautiful blue eyes, and this big grin when he smiles for the camera! And Angie's Joshua is just as handsome as I remember - what joy to have a house full of babies! It is always wonderful to see my girlfriends and their men too - that goes without saying.







Today after church, I got my hair colored (which was much needed - it was too blond!) and later on we met my mom, David & Kelly and the kids and Kelly's parents for dinner at the Waterfront for my mom's 56'th Birthday this coming Wednesday. It was wonderful - I so enjoy being surrounded by my loved ones. I just wish every weekend could be like this. There is a song out now called "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas which I love, but the words are just as powerful. Part of the song says:


Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away, but these small hours , these small hours still remain.




In happy moments like this weekend, I feel like those small hours make my life truly special. Wishing everyone a great week ahead, and sending you love and blessings.

Happenings....

I've been absent in updating the blog. A lot has happened and it's been a very hectic month. Work has been super busy with the Oracle project I am involved in. Half the month I've been in Raleigh, and the other half, while here, I've been working late a lot. Deadlines and a lot of catching up while I've been out of town....

Last weekend we watched my niece Kadance for the night which was awesome. She is such an angel, and it makes me long for kids to run around the house here. We took her to a local small carnival and she rode the merry go round with Uncle Dave. We had a blast with her.

I just returned from spending a few days with Angie and Josh - he is already changing and so different! I stayed at their place to help out as much as I could - cooking, laundry, playing with the kids, holding Josh so Angie could shower... Dave's been used to holding down the fort on his own, so he graciously let me take a few vacation days to be with the new mom and baby.

And speaking of baby, I was thrilled to learn that on June 14th, Jen delivered a healthy baby GIRL (much to my surprise as I would have bet my life it was a boy in there!) Carli Janet was 7 lbs 6 ozs and 21.5 inches long (but don't quote me on that as I was so shocked to hear it was a girl that everything else kind of blurred together!) I didn't get the chance to meet Carli in person as I was in Raleigh, but I can't wait to meet her very soon!!! Carli and Jen are in my thoughts daily and it's really hard for me to keep away and not see them, but I'm trying to give mom some space to adjust to life with Carli.

Um, what else. Oh! We painted the dining room and it looks great! It's not 100% done as we still have to install the window bench and a new light in the ceiling, as well as refinish the hard wood floors. But we're getting there.

This weekend we're going to Philadelphia to help Mark & Kacey move. It looks to be a nice weekend coming up. Hope everyone is well - I can't tell from the lack of comments. Please say hello - I miss everyone!

Waiting

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance, and you tell me to 'wait?'
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair.
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never know, should you pain quickly flee,
what it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.
And though oft' My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait.'"

Joshua Sungming

He timed it perfectly - for me anyway. Angie was a bit exhausted after being in labor with constant contractions since Wednesday night. But Friday morning, on his due date, I got the call from Angie that she was on her way to the hospital. I was in Raleigh for the morning and due to fly home that afternoon. It was perfect timing for me since I would only be in town for 48 hrs.

When I landed in Pittsburgh that afternoon, I went immediately to Magee. Angie was only 2 cm and was comfortable on her epidural drip. I arrived around 4:30 and hung out until about 8 PM. I thought about going home, but by that time, Angie had progressed to 8 cm and I didn't think it would be much longer....

Around 9:45 they had Angie try pushing. The only problem was that while she could push, she had no idea when to push as she couldn't feel the contractions. So they let the epidural run out and an hour later, Angie would feel the contractions and began to push with them. I had left the room and Matt stayed with her. I waited across the hall for about 30 minutes.

When her nurse appeared (and the L&D nurse was wonderful!!!) I got up and stood by the door to ask how Angie was doing. Matt appeared and asked if I'd liked to come in to be with Angie. He said that since we'd been best friends for so long, she felt okay with me being there. I was so honored to be asked, and to be with her at such a special and intimate time. I helped hold her legs while she pushed and give ice-chips and encourage her to keep going. The poor girl was exhausted and pushed for 3 hrs! What a champ!!

It was now about 1:45 AM (having missed having Joshua on her due date) and the doctor felt that a c-section was her best option. She felt that Josh was "stuck" under Angela's pelvic bone and too large to pass. Angela consented to the c-section and they tried to prep her. But by now, the contractions were so strong and without the epidural (and without being able to push) she was miserable. The epidural button was doing nothing for her, and the anesthesiologist hadn't yet returned to administer the block for the surgery. It was so hard to watch my best friend be in such agony and such exhaustion.

About 45 minutes later, Matt came back to the L&D room to say that Joshua Sungming was born at 2:05 AM and was doing beautifully! Angie was great but exhausted. Josh was 8lbs, 8ozs and 22 inches long. They brought him into the room with Angie and I got to hold him. What an angel!!! What a miracle!!

I got to visit Angela and Matt and Josh the next day with Dave. Angie sounded much better and alert, and Joshua was doing great! I gave her a gift, and part of the gift was the blue blanket I had been knitting for Josh. The pictures are below - he is such a pleasant baby! Not much crying, and just as soft and sweet as can be. I'm already in love!!!

Mulch, mulch, mulch

Summer allows me to do one of my favorite hobbies - gardening. I think it's in my genes; my dad's dad was the gardener who used to place all the flowers in Kennywood for a while. He ran his own greenhouses (and sold flowers to those in the area) when I was little. I can still remember how those greenhouses smelled - wet, earthy and moist. I'd play in the greenhouses with my little brother and run around the aisles, hiding in small spaces. It was sad to see the greenhouses town down when my grandfather passed away in 1996.

My dad loves to landscape and his yard is proof of it. (Well, until the sewer line broke and the borough had to tear apart his yard, but that is another story entirely!). I can always call my dad and ask him anything about gardening, and he knows all the cool places to get supplies and such. And my mom's home in summer is extra special - the flowers seem to bloom for her as much as she loves to garden. Sitting on her porch to relax is a great escape.

Gardening.... I love it. It's something that I want to learn more about as well, because while I enjoy it as a hobby, I know you can do some amazing things with more knowledge. Being in Raleigh last week took me away from my flowers, and I missed it almost as much as my husband and cat. It was such a joy to come home and be able to work in my gardens. While they are small, they are just enough for me.

This past weekend, in the midst of running to and fro to see friends and family for holiday events, I tried to get some plants into my garden. Last night I was able to complete my task. During my lunch hour yesterday, I bought 32 cubic feet of mulch and loaded it into a truck I borrowed from work. Bag after bag after bag of heavy mulch. And we used it all, and still need some more! I thought I'd post some pictures of the yard. Plus we have a cool new fountain for the garden thanks to my mom and Christmas last year!

I'm off to Raleigh again on Sunday, and this time, for 2 weeks. I'm going to miss my gardening!

It's finished!!

We're finally done with the living room! And should add that we're very happy with the way it turned out. We haven't refinished the hardwood floors yet, but decided to wait until we do the dining room at the same time. Next week we begin that project. It shouldn't be nearly as hard since there will be no dry-wall needed. Just peel off the wall paper, patch & sand, and paint. We're thinking a nice Wedgwood blue color but haven't yet decided which exact shade.

Today I leave for the first of 3 weeks in Raleigh and will be back right around Memorial Day. While I'm not excited about being away for 3 weeks (the other 2 will be in early June), nor am I excited about the week's training (a new Oracle platform), I will at least be with some fun coworkers and in warm weather. I'll miss Dave and Zoe, and hope that my garden doesn't suffer in my absence.

Hope everyone has a great week and blessings to all!

Hope

I just wanted to post a picture of the spot I created in our garden for our twins - our memory spot and a place of hope. The stepping stone is hard to read in the picture, but it says "Angels gather here".

A mother without a child...

A friend of mine sent me the article below which I found very heartfelt. I don't really "dread" mother's day (I have some amazing women in my life!) but I know it will be a difficult day emotionally for me. Yesterday I planted a memory garden for the twins - it has wonderful pink oriental lilies (which smell amazing) and two concrete baby birds and a stone that has the word "hope" carved into it. It's nice to have a special place to think about our twins and to cry if I need to.

How to Handle Mother's Day - by Clara Hinton

Special days of any kind can be especially difficult for anyone who has lost a child. The first year following the loss of a child is often filled with days of dread and fear when anniversary dates and holidays approach. Mother’s Day is a holiday that is one of the most dreaded holidays of all. A mother grieving the loss of her precious child often spends weeks in fearful waiting of the day, wondering how she will every make it through.

There is no real way of avoiding Mother’s Day. The stores are filled with gifts made and designed especially for mothers and children. Advertisements for gifts on the radio and in the newspaper bombard us every day for weeks prior to Mother’s Day. Card and flower shops experience their busiest season of the year on Mother’s Day. Reminders of this special holiday are everywhere! The pain of facing Mother’s Day without a child can be the most lonely pain a mother will every know. There is an empty ache that becomes increasingly more evident as the day approaches, and there seems to be no way to find relief.

It is wise to share these feelings with other family members and friends rather than to avoid the topic. By sharing how you feel, you can alert others to be more sensitive to your needs during this painful day of sad reminders. Sit down with your family and discuss what you would like to do for Mother’s Day. Remember that this is not a time to worry about hurting other’s feelings, but rather a time to make your wishes known. Remind yourself often that there is no right or wrong way to handle Mother’s Day.

Some mothers have found it helpful to go away on a mini weekend trip, totally avoiding any church service, special meals, or family gatherings that will be too painful to attend. Other mothers choose to do something special in memory of their child such as take a walk to a quiet place, read a special poem, and then release a balloon in memory of their child. The actual releasing of the balloon is known to give mothers a sense of letting go that is quite healing. Many choose to use Mother’s Day as a special day to plant a flower or a tree in memory of their child who has died. Seeing something growing is often a visible reminder of the ongoing love a mother has for her child.

Whatever you choose to do, remember not to set expectations too high for the day. Plan to do something that is healing for you, but realize that you will still experience a wide gamut of emotions, and many tears will fall. Because grief is exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, be sure to eat nutritious food for the day, hydrate yourself with lots of fluids, and allow yourself time to rest and be replenished. Grief work is the hardest work you will ever do!

By planning ahead for Mother’s Day, you have already crossed a big hurdle in your walk through child loss. Telling others that this is going to be a difficult day for you is a way of building up a support system that will help you get through the day. Remind yourself often that you will make it through Mother’s Day, and when you do, you will be one step farther along in this difficult journey we call grief.